The Problem of Pain

(Apologies to the late great C.S. Lewis for stealing his title -- it fit so perfectly that I just had to use it!)

I feel the need to blog about this because I'm frustrated, mad at myself, disappointed, and a little scared. I'm also hormonal and weepy so I need some extra help coping. Writing is that extra help.

At my 2-week incision check appointment today, I did not get a refill of my pain meds even though I wanted one. My doctor did not seem concerned that I'm still in a lot of pain, and so I chickened out and didn't ask for more meds rather than look like a wimp. I don't know why. I know I am a wimp when it comes to pain. It's part of who I am and I'm not ashamed of it. I believe in using medications to get rid of pain -- there is no point in enduring it if you don't HAVE to!!! But somehow this self-assurance just disappeared when I was in the presence of a doctor.

It went so much easier last time. At two weeks pp I was still in a lot of pain, just like I am now. The doctor (a different one in the same practice) asked me how I was doing and I admitted to the pain. She asked if the meds were working, and I told her they had worked well right up until I ran out. Then she asked if I wanted more and I said yes -- that simple! The second round of drugs really came in handy as I became more active and re-engaged in my life outside of my comfy recliner.

This time, I just don't know how my recovery will go from here. I'm still taking a bunch of ibuprofen, but it doesn't help so much when I try to be up and walking around for a while. I had hoped to start taking short walks outside this week, but right now I don't see that happening. I will probably spend most of the week sitting or lying down, trying to avoid as much pain as possible. Suddenly the goal of running again in a month is starting to look less attainable.

Another negative impact of pain is one of my favorite unhealthy coping mechanisms: EATING! And I'm not talking about just any eating...I'm talking about excessive desserts...especially my old favorite, CAKE! Pain makes me cranky, and cake makes me happy. Ice cream cheers me up too. If I can't take oxycodone, I'll just have lots of sugar instead.

Under other circumstances, I would want to try harder to overcome my tendencies toward emotional eating. But my post partum hormones are still all out of whack, and all I want to do is keep myself from crying. So I'll be indulging in the sugar, and watching my weight creep back up, leaving even more work for me to do when my recovery is finally complete.

On the bright side, maybe this is all a good thing, if a couple more weeks of misery serve as a reminder that I don't want to do this again!! You know, just in case the sweet baby snuggles start to erode my memory and make me think I could someday go for #5....

1 Week PP - Turning Onto a New Road

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 207 lbs
Total pregnancy weight lost: 16 lbs

I feel like a contestant on The Biggest Loser, losing 16 lbs in one week! Of course, half of that was just the baby itself, and most of the rest was various fluids...but still, stepping onto the scale a few times and seeing the numbers drop like crazy was a lot of fun. :)

My first c-section recovery was a nightmare, because I have a pretty low pain tolerance and I was terrified to move because I didn't know exactly how bad the pain could get. The subsequent recoveries have been a lot better. I don't know if I've gotten tougher, or if it's just easier because I know what to expect. This time I was out of bed a little over 12 hours after surgery, and walking to the bathroom and back the next morning. I walked a lap around the maternity floor 2 days after my baby was born. Does that count as a workout? It sure hurt like one!

Since I've been home, I've mostly tried to rest, with short little walks around the house here and there. I don't want to overdo it in the first couple of weeks while the pain is at its worst. I will gradually get moving more and more when it feels reasonably comfortable to do so. I'm almost out of my pain medications and will probably ask for a refill at my 2-week incision check on Monday. I had to do that last time as well. I know some people prefer to get off pain meds as soon as possible, but I am a fan of dulling the pain while I can. Being mobile will help me heal more quickly, and pain inhibits my mobility. I'd rather take the drugs and get back to a normal life than skip the drugs and end up lying around longer because I hurt too much.

So the road to recovery has begun, and I'm moving right along on it. As of now, I still hope and plan to resume running at the 6-weeks-post-partum mark. While I can't really imagine what it will feel like to run again, I do believe that goal is attainable.

Baby, You Were Born to Run!

He has arrived! My running partner (whether he liked it or not) for my first 10K and my third 5K has made his entry into the world outside my body. He was born a week ago today, weighing 8 lbs 6.6 oz at 20.5 inches long. So far he is healthy and seems just about perfect to me. I am in love!!!

One last look at how huge I was during surgery prep:


Finally out of my belly and in my arms! Yay!


His first day at home: We chose a "going home outfit" that reflected what was important in my life when he came into existence, and what we hope will be important to our whole family on into the future!


My c-section recovery is going well so far, but I will write more about that tomorrow. For now I just wanted to introduce you to the latest love of my life. :)

39 Weeks - The Finish Line!!!

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 223 lbs
Total weight gained: 39 lbs

Here we are! This is my last pre-baby blog post! I have survived what should be my final pregnancy, and now my next big physical challenge will be surviving my final c-section and recovery! I am hoping for minimal pain and no complications, so I can get back to feeling "normal" as quickly as possible.

My initial recovery phase will be pretty basic. The goal is to get up and moving as soon as I can, and to keep moving as pain and energy level permit. For the first two weeks that will involve just short walks on flat surfaces. From two weeks to six weeks post partum I can walk much more, while listening to my body to know how far is okay is push myself. The heavy duty exercise will have to wait until after my 6-week post-partum checkup. If all goes well, I will see the doctor on August 8th, and start running again on August 9th!

It might only be interesting to me, but I do plan to continue weekly updates on my activity level and weight at least for those first six weeks. Once I'm back to regular exercise, I will get this blog back to normal too, with more frequent posts about anything and everything fitness-related that crosses my mind. I'm sure I will have lots to say, because I will be setting new goals and adjusting to an even more hectic life with a new schedule. When my last baby was born, I had great difficulty finding the time and energy to exercise for many many months. This time I am much more focused and determined, but that does not guarantee that my results will be any different. I may need your encouragement more than ever!!

Stay tuned for a baby update sometime this week (c-section is scheduled for Tuesday, June 28th, at 9:15am)! Wish me luck! Thanks for bearing with me throughout the past nine months! :)

38 Weeks - Stick a Fork in Me

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 220 lbs
Total weight gained: 36 lbs

Oh my goodness, I am so done. I am ready to get this kid out of me and start to get my body back!! I know from much experience that c-section recovery is no picnic, but the sooner it starts, the sooner it ends, and the sooner I can feel like a human being again.

In the past few weeks, I had started daydreaming about someday running again, but now I'm back to just wishing I could walk without discomfort. The pregnancy waddle gets old after a while, as does the weight of a small person resting right on your bladder.

It's funny to me now that I once thought weighing less and being more fit would make this pregnancy more enjoyable. It was definitely more tolerable for a longer time this go 'round, but I didn't enjoy it any more than I ever have before. I'm just not one of the women who like being pregnant, and my physical fitness level does not make one bit of difference.

So I'm ready to be done, and ready to bid pregnancy farewell and good riddance. I am incredibly thankful to have been blessed enough to carry 4 healthy babies to term and to (knock on wood that this will prove true next week) bring them into the world with minimal complications. They have made all the misery worth it, absolutely.

Now come on, kid....get out ASAP so Mama can feel human again soon!!!

37 Weeks - Trying Not to Move At All

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 220 lbs
Total weight gained: 36 lbs

I have now reached the complete opposite of my goal earlier in the pregnancy. Whereas once upon a time I wanted to be as active as possible, I now want to move as little as humanly possible!! I spent a good chunk of this weekend dealing with cramps, aches, lower back pain, and some mild contractions. The fear that I might be going into labor early was enough to scare me into grounding myself to either the recliner or the bed whenever I don't absolutely HAVE to be up and around for some reason. We still have a ton to do to get our home ready for the baby, so I do not want to risk him coming early if I can possibly help it. I've never gone into labor on my own before, and I don't want this to be the first time!!

I'll admit I'm not thrilled at my current weight, but I didn't care enough about it to keep it from creeping up. Such is life. I have no plans to put a stop to my ice cream habit either, so I'm guessing I'll gain another couple of pounds before all is said and done. At least this time I should not be doing much in the way of emotional/grief eating AFTER the baby is born, so I'll be able to return to healthy eating more easily. I refuse to worry about my weight unless/until the pounds don't start dropping off post partum.

One last thing - I want to give a quick shout-out to my 10-year-old niece, Kateri, who completed her first 5K race yesterday! I'm incredibly proud of her!! I will write more about her soon...I've been wanting to write about how my own family members inspire me ever since my older brother Russell finished his first Boston Marathon back in April! So be on the lookout for that post soon. :)

36 Weeks - Embracing REST More Than Ever

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 218 lbs
Total weight gained: 34 lbs

I am finally learning how to listen to my body when it whispers, rather than waiting until it screams. Carefully timed periods of rest can be a potent pre-emptive strike against dehydration, discomfort, and exhaustion. Who knew?

It helps that my life has slowed down through circumstances beyond my control. My son finished kindergarten last week, and the t-ball season ended as well, thus reducing my number of evening and weekend activities by A LOT. Being on the go so much less allows me to take short breaks whenever I need them, so that in between those breaks I can actually get some necessary tasks done! And boy do I have a lot of "necessary tasks"; I'm working from a lengthy list of things to be done before the baby arrives, and also planning my middle son's 4th birthday, which happens to be 3 days before my c-section is scheduled. So I'm still very busy, but scheduled time is much rougher than time I can schedule myself!

Embracing my need for rest should have been sort of obvious for me, considering I've been through pregnancy three times before! I'm almost embarrassed that it took me this long to give in to the whispers. On the bright side, I think I can blame it on something good, which is that my new active lifestyle has seemed to alter my brain to believe that I can and should have tons of energy and be able to go go GO from morning until late at night. Even though I have joked a lot about being lazy the past few months, I don't think my brain has really slipped back into that mentality. I know I still have a rough road ahead of me (post-partum sleep deprivation, anyone???), but I look forward to eventually getting all my energy back so I can be active again!

For now, though...I think I might slip out of work a little early today so I can go home and put my feet up before chowing a bunch of tacos for dinner. ;-)

35 Weeks - Pregnancy IS Exercise

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 216 lbs
Total weight gained: 32 lbs

Everything I do now other than sitting or lying down feels like a workout. I'm winded after walking up one flight of stairs to my kids' room, and taking a shower leaves me tired and needing a short rest. I'm no longer even trying to go for walks just for the sake of getting exercise. Now I consider myself to be active as long as I'm still running some errands (the kind where you actually walk around a store for a while) and doing activities like strawberry picking with my family. That is plenty active for me.

It's hard to believe that some women are still working out intensely at this stage of pregnancy. They are superwomen. And I am content with NOT being a superwoman. :)

I'm proud that I managed to make my fourth pregnancy the fittest and most active one of them all, after having established a pretty firm pattern of laziness each time before. I didn't do as well as I'd hoped, but I did well enough to be satisfied. I feel no shame in being at the point now where I'm happiest in the recliner with my feet up, working my way through a bowl of ice cream!

My goals are still there, waiting for me on the other side of my impending surgery/recovery, though I must confess I do not daydream about running as much as I once did. Now I mostly daydream about how wonderful it will feel just to walk without all this extra weight on me, and be able to sleep on my stomach, and not have to endure someone else's hiccups 85 times a day...etc. Once I start to feel like a normal human being again, I'm sure my running daydreams will return!

One random note: I saw a commercial yesterday for a new summer weight loss show. I can't remember what it's called, but each episode follows a year in the life of an obese person who works with a trainer to get fit and healthy. It sounds like all the amazing transformation of The Biggest Loser, but without all the hokey reality show drama. I'm excited about it! I think it premieres this week, and I will be tuning in to be inspired. :)

34 Weeks - Just Breathe

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 215 lbs
Total weight gained: 31 lbs

I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I managed to get in zero walks this week. I don't remember purposely being lazy. It's possible that most days I just forgot. My brain is not functioning at its top capacity these days; that's for sure!

Anyway, I'll just keep trying this week. The temperatures are going to be a little higher, and we have another crazy busy week ahead, with 3 t-ball games and my better half working 4 nights, so that is all working against me.

However, I'm taking a new approach to mornings that might help: instead of getting up when the kids do and moving super slowly and getting to work late, thus throwing my whole day off, I'm going to try getting up at a time when I am more naturally alert. You may be familiar with the concept of pregnant ladies having to pee a lot, and let me tell you, it's not just a myth!! I'm now starting to wake up at least twice per night to go, and one of those times is usually just after dawn, between 5 and 6am. I'm more alert then than I am after going back to sleep for another hour, so I'm planning to start staying awake then, and if the weather is nice, I'll go out for a short walk. Let's see if I can actually make that happen this week!

I think the main way this new plan can fail is if morning walks leave me too exhausted to function well the rest of the day. I've been fighting some major fatigue lately, and suddenly I'm having trouble doing more than one active thing per day. Luckily my job just involves sitting at a desk all day -- it's uncomfortable, but at least I'm not too tired to do it! I just get winded so easily, and find myself needing to rest and just take lots of deep breaths. So we'll see how the walking goes with all that. If it takes me too long to recover after morning walks and I'm still getting to work late, I might have to scrap walking during the week and save it for a weekend activity!!

Being so tired is not great for my morale. I still have over 5 weeks to go, and I feel like most women are still much more functional than I am at this stage of the game. If you happen to be reading this and pregnancy has completely kicked your butt before, please share your stories and help me feel a little better! :)

33 Weeks - Let the Countdown Begin!

Workouts this week: 2 (1 normal exercise walk around the neighborhood, and then 4 hours of walking around Ikea, stopping to rest here and there..)
Total walk mileage/time: unsure, about 40 min in the first walk, probably about 2 total hours of actual walking time at Ikea
Other workouts: 0
Weight: 214 lbs
Total weight gained: 30 lbs

As long as I keep getting in at least one good walk per week, I feel successful! My rate of weight gain seems to be slowing down a little too, and I'm glad. While I'm not obsessing over every single pound, I'd rather not hit 220 lbs if possible. Unless I have a great deal of swelling near the end (somewhat likely, when it gets hotter outside!), I should be able to achieve that goal.

The best news right now is that the end is in sight! I have scheduled my c-section for June 28th, which is 6 weeks from today!!! And if all goes well, 6 weeks after that I will be cleared for real exercise, so on or around August 9th I will make another triumphant return to running!! Even though that date is still 12 weeks away, it no longer feels like an eternity. I really like having a date to look forward to, even if it's not etched in stone. If my math is correct, I have 84 days to go...but who's counting? :)

So for now, it will be just more of the same. I feel huge and uncomfortable most of the time, and my energy level is usually pretty low. I'm trying my best to stay active (not just the walking but also helping out around the house to prepare for the baby, and doing fun things with my other kids while I still can), but also listening to my body and resting when there is a need. My doctor appointments are now weekly, and long (I get extra monitoring here at the end due to my blood clotting disorder), but everything looks good and baby and I continue to be healthy! Now that I've reached the homestretch, I feel less grouchy and impatient, which will probably help with my stress level as well!

Thanks to any of you who continue to read these updates. I know they are not as interesting now that I'm not getting much exercise, but they are, as always, an honest snapshot of my life at the moment. The payoff for following along now will be seeing my progress when I get to the "other side." I hope that will be rewarding for all of us!

32 Weeks - Not Dead Yet

Workouts this week: 1
Total walk mileage/time: unsure, maybe about a mile, in a little less than 30 min?
Other workouts: 0
Weight: 214 lbs
Total weight gained: 30 lbs

I'm still hanging in there, just barely. I feel like I can't get into any kind of consistent routine because my schedule is so busy and varies a lot, and also because how I feel varies greatly too. It's like I need the perfect storm of circumstances to come together in order to get in a workout, and it's still only happening about once a week. Last week, I got in a good walk (with my 2 year old in the stroller, which upped the intensity of the workout a bit!) on Wednesday, and that was it.

The good news is that once a week is still better than never!!! I really have been enjoying my walks outside now that the weather is finally beautiful more days than not, so I still want to keep doing it. I just have to relax and take things one day at a time, and go for walks whenever I can.

Meanwhile, I'm starting to think a lot more about my c-section recovery and return to running. I'm concerned that my earlier expectations were completely unrealistic and that the road back to 5K's and 10K's will be longer than I'd hoped. I know I'm going to need a great deal of mental strength to overcome the physical obstacles ahead of me, so what I'm trying to do right now is stay inspired! Expect to see some posts from me soon about people and stories that motivate me to run and be fit and meet challenges with a positive attitude. If you have any suggestions for inspirational books or movies or blogs I should check out, feel free to share them! Thanks!

31 Weeks - Mind & Body Not in Sync

Workouts this week: 1, sort of
Total swim time: 0
Total walk mileage: unsure
Other workouts: 0
Weight: 212 lbs
Total weight gained: 28 lbs

I may be entering the world of denial. I still think of myself as being somewhat active, and I keep wanting to exercise, but reality isn't matching up with those sentiments. The truth is I have hardly been exercising at all.

Last week, I completely forgot to write a blog post, but it's not like I had much to report anyway. I think I went for one walk that week. This week was no better -- I can only claim one physical activity. I walked around with my 2 year-old for about an hour during my older boys' t-ball game. It wasn't steady exercise (we stopped a lot to admire butterflies, examine rocks, and watch brief moments of the game), but it was a lot of walking and more active than anything else I did all week.

Mornings are a problem for me, as always. I'm just getting more and more tired, and I never want to get up early enough to work out before going to work. Thus, I haven't been to the pool in a few weeks, and now I'm starting to feel self-conscious about being the ginormous pregnant lady flailing around the pool. I'm going to try to motivate myself to go at least once this coming week, but if I don't manage to do it, I think I'll give up on swimming until after the baby comes. It's not worth paying for a pool membership if I'm not using it.

Evenings are still options for walking, but now that the weather is nice, I don't really want to walk on the treadmill much. At the same time, it's hard to find time to get outside for a walk before it gets dark. There is just a lot to do for dinner and bedtime with three little kids. I know these all sound like a bunch of excuses, and I guess they are. At the moment I'm not feeling terribly motivated to do anything about it though. I'm uncomfortable, tired, busy, stressed, and getting to the point where I'm just trying to get through each day. The idea of still being active sounds lovely, but I'm just not getting it done right now.

29 Weeks - Glad to be Walking

Workouts this week: 1
Total swim time: 0
Total walk mileage: 1.5m
Other workouts: 0
Weight: 210 lbs
Total weight gained: 26 lbs

Switching from running to walking didn't result in the significant increase in workouts that I'd hoped, but I'm still convinced I made the right call. My one walk on the treadmill was challenging enough and I couldn't even fathom trying to run at this point. In the past two weeks I suddenly have started to feel enormous and incredibly uncomfortable. I really don't understand how some women do keep running beyond this point. Obviously they are in much better shape than I am, but they also must be fortunate enough to avoid many of the discomforts of pregnancy that can happen to you whether you're in shape or not.

I don't have any good excuses for not working out much this week. I was just tired. Mornings are getting harder for me, so I'm going to start trying to walk and do yoga in the evenings after the kids are in bed. That won't work for swimming though -- the pool isn't open late enough to accommodate my schedule in the evenings. Therefore, I'm really going to make a push this coming week to get my butt out of bed at least twice for a swim.

There doesn't seem to be much else on my mind tonight. I have several ideas for topics to talk about this coming week, but right now I just wanted to write a brief update. Thanks to everyone who has given me feedback on my last few posts! Your support really bolsters my confidence more than you know!!

One Year Later - Still Dreaming Big!

A year ago today I put myself out there in a major way, announcing to the world (or, okay, to a few friends and family members) that I'd set my sights on someday completing a triathlon. It was a very bold statement for me at the time, and I'm glad I made it public by starting this blog. It's hard to give up on a dream when other people are watching!!

Physically, I'm not much closer to my goal than I was a year ago. This pregnancy has derailed temporarily my running and swimming progress, and caused me to look at all this on a longer timeline. I had originally thought I would attempt the triathlon sometime in this calendar year, but that goal has been adjusted to 2012 instead. Between now and then, I will continue gaining a bunch of weight and then have to lose it all over again, and I'll be starting nearly from scratch with running and swimming. On the bright side, I won't have to re-learn how to breathe with my face in the water -- I think that is a skill that will stick with me now. :)

Psychologically, I have grown by leaps and bounds in the past year. I have learned a great deal about who I am, what I can do, and where I want to go. My goals don't feel as daunting as they once did; I have grown comfortable with hard work, gradual progress, and overcoming obstacles to accomplish what I want. Physical activity is as wonderful for the mind and the soul as it is for the body. I'm addicted to it, and can no longer imagine my life without it.

Even though my journey seems like it has been long already, it still almost feels like the beginning. I've logged a lot of miles and have a few races under my belt now, but so much still lies ahead of me! There will be more races, different distances, different types of events. I still have yet to tackle open-water swimming, which is what I'll encounter in a triathlon. And of course, I also need to start biking!!! So I still have a lot to look forward to, and I'm excited about what the future holds!

Thanks to everyone who has followed along thus far. Your support has bolstered me in the good times and kept me hanging on by a thread through the rough times. You are part of all my successes, and I can't wait to someday celebrate greater triumphs with you!

P.S. If you haven't had a chance yet, please take a look at yesterday's post and give me some feedback on my content! Thanks!

Tuesday Tips: Improving This Blog, Part 2

Thanks first of all to those who gave me some tips last week. I haven't had a chance to implement any of your suggestions, but hopefully I'll get to play around with different design elements soon. I will probably ask for more specific advice as I get into reworking the look of things here.

This week I would like your thoughts on the content of my posts. I'd like to know which posts you're most likely to read, when you read them, and why. Which ones do you like the most/least, and which ones you are more or less likely to comment on? How do you feel about my overall tone?

I'll tell you a little about what I've been trying to do here, and maybe you can let me know if it's working, or if I'm doing something else entirely! :)

I started this blog both for myself, to track my progress toward my goals and to have an outlet for venting frustrations, and also for anyone else who might relate to my journey and want to share in the experience, or who might have wisdom and insight to offer me in support. So far, it mostly has been meeting my expectations, but I'm curious whether it has been meeting yours, dear handful of faithful readers.

Most of my posts are about my progress with injury recovery, walking, running, swimming, and pregnancy. Sometimes I write about big-picture topics like my goals, or about things I read or hear that inspire me. I have asked for various tips and product recommendations, and responses to those have been varied, so those seem to be less popular topics.

For the next few months, I'm not sure what I will write about, and my posts will probably get less frequent for a while. But once I've recovered from my c-section and am cleared to do more than just walk again, I will probably pick right back up with my usual sorts of topics. Do you think I should continue the way I have been, or do you think I should develop a different focus? Would you prefer to read short, simple, factual updates on my workouts, or do you enjoy my thoughts and feelings and philosophical musings as well?

On a more specific level, do you prefer to read about my successes, or are you comfortable reading about my failures also? Sometimes I get the feeling that people prefer not to see any negativity at all, and/or are concerned that I make too much of my struggles. But I think our struggles are what make us human! I am not superwoman - if I were, I wouldn't even need this blog because I'd be able just to go out and reach my goals with no problems! I can't do that, and though many of you are probably closer to being superheroes than I am, I doubt it's THAT easy for you either. I share my flaws, my weaknesses, my shortcomings so I can work through them, and also so I can get some support if anyone has dealt with something similar and overcome it. I share them also in case any of my friends struggle with the same issues and might be looking to me to help them through it! So I believe there is a legitimate purpose to my more negative posts, but I do wonder whether you feel the same. Do you see it as annoying whining or attention-seeking, and does it turn you off from my blog? Or do you find value in it like I do?

Please, if you have the time, think over my questions and provide me with some constructive feedback. Even though I write for myself, as long as there are a few of you also reading it, I'd like to make the experience worthwhile for you, too. Thanks, y'all!

28 Weeks - Done Running

Workouts this week: 0
Total swim time: 0
Total run/walk mileage: 0
Other workouts: 0
Weight: 207 lbs
Total weight gained: 23 lbs

Folks, it's time to make a change, for the sake of my sanity and my long-term success. It was a rough week (busy, and low on sleep) and it culminated in a miserable day. Overwhelmed by lengthy lists of things that need to be done around the house, done before the baby arrives, and/or done by Easter, I really needed to be extremely productive this weekend. Instead, I spent my day barely coping with three unmanageable boys who all decided to have psychotic breaks on the same day!!!

I know these days happen to us all, and the best we can do is try to shake it off and attack the next day with a positive outlook and hope that things will be better. What today showed me, though, is that I need to start simplifying what I can and relieving some of the pressure I put on myself. One of the things in the back of my mind all day was that I desperately needed to get a run in, but with everything else going on, I just didn't have the time or the energy, and not being able to get it done was stressing me out. So I've decided that it's time just to stop running.

The aches and pains are getting to me more and more, and I'm not getting very good sleep at night. I'm exhausted all the time and just dragging myself through the day. Running takes more energy than I have to give, but each day that I can't seem to make myself do it just leaves me feeling frustrated. Since I keep making running my goal each day, when I can't do it, I don't do anything else either, and next thing you know I'm left with zero workouts for the week. It's time to give myself a break. I really don't think the short, slow runs I'm going now are going to make that huge of a difference in my recovery anyway.

Let's be realistic here. When I get back to running in August, it's going to be almost like starting from scratch whether I run a few more times or not. The best thing I can do for myself is to keep up some basic level of fitness by more routinely doing easier workouts, like swimming and walking. I think 4-5 lower-impact workouts per week will be better than just 1 run and nothing else....and definitely better than doing nothing at all!! I'm done with the headgames, and done with setting myself up for failure. It's time to focus on what I can do successfully. An easier workout plan will help lower my stress level in more ways than one. Next Saturday, if I can look back at my week and be proud of all the swimming and walking I've done, maybe I'll even be better equipped to deal with my little monsters if they all decide to bring the crazy at the same time again!!! :) (Note: I say that with much love...I adore my little monsters, and I don't hold their bad days against them, especially b/c they probably get most of their craziness from ME! hahaha)

So here's to the next stage of this journey...the hiatus from running has begun, and I'm in a similar position now that I was in a year ago, relying on swimming (and walking this time) to get me through until I can run again. I will be drawing from the lessons I learned from my stress fracture recovery to keep going, to stay motivated and focused on my goals, through the end of my pregnancy and subsequent c-section recovery. I am confident that I can do this. I'm not giving up on myself or embracing my lazy habits. Taking a break from running is not a failure. I am merely shifting my focus to more attainable goals as a way of adapting to my circumstances. I am still strong. I am still capable. I am not quitting. :)

Tuesday Tips: Improving This Blog, Part 1

I know I don't have a ton of readers, and the truth is I write here mostly for myself. Writing is a form of therapy for me, to help me process all the jumbled thoughts in my mind. I also enjoy the practice of writing itself, regardless of the content, because I love to write and have few other opportunities to do so.

All that being said, I also like the idea of drawing in more readers, in case anyone out there can relate to my struggles and triumphs. I enjoy the feedback I get from you, and the support as well. So if I'm going to keep encouraging you and others to read and respond, I probably ought to put a little effort into making the blog as good as it can be!

Next week (or soon thereafter), I'm going to ask for advice on the content of my posts, so start tossing some ideas around in your heads. Right now what I'm interested in is the LOOK of the blog. I just threw it together with the designs available and put almost no thought into it. I'm not very web design-savvy, so I would probably need to seek some help with major changes. I don't have the extra money to hire someone to do that, so if you could give me affordable and/or simple suggestions, I'd appreciate it. Talk to me about anything you see here...the colors, fonts, placement of different items, photos (few that there are), ads, features. Tell me what you like and don't like, and most importantly, what I can do better!!

Thanks so much for your help!!

27 Weeks - Still Running!

Workouts this week: 2
Total swim time: 30 min.
Total run/walk mileage: 2.5 miles (1 mile was running)
Other workouts: None
Weight: 206 lbs
Total weight gained: 22 lbs

This week I was successful in a couple of ways. First, my stats improved over the previous week, with 2 workouts and a pound less of weight (proving that part of my enormous gain before was probably just bloat). Second, I fought my inner demons and emerged victorious, at least temporarily.

Of course, now the third trimester has begun and my days of exercise are surely numbered. From here on out, I have zero goals or expectations other than just to keep trying. My run this week felt good enough that I'm confident it wasn't my last. Swimming still feels amazing and I had no trouble getting in and out of the pool. I know I can continue working out for now. As long as I can, I will...but any and every workout is an accomplishment. If I skip due to sheer laziness, I will fight that demon harder the next day. If I skip due to pregnancy discomforts, I'll cut myself some slack and just be thankful the baby and I are still healthy. :)

Only 12-13 weeks to go...and then I can begin to track my recovery and the road to getting fit all over again!!!

The Fighter!

I think I have to call this one a draw.

Initially, it was definitely a victory! Yesterday morning, my alarm went off, and as usual I was tempted to ignore it. I thought of the stress in my life, and felt how comfortable my bed was. Then I remembered all the soul-searching I'd done the night before about my past habits and patterns, and how badly I wanted to make a real change.

And I got up. And I ran.

It was a very slow run but I finished a mile (in quarter-mile increments, as usual). I felt proud of myself for fighting my inner demons and winning!!! But the victory was short-lived.

What unfolded the rest of the day was unexpected and amazing. The two biggest sources of stress in my life were resolved!! I am insanely grateful for the way things played out, and for the relief I now feel. My life isn't suddenly all roses, but the two things giving me the most grief are no longer doing so, and therefore I no longer have to choose between "fight" and "flight."

The reason I'm calling this a draw is that I don't know how long I'd have been able to keep up the fight if times had remained tough. Yesterday's run could have been an isolated incident, and I still could have reverted back to my old ways as stress continued. I am more optimistic about the possibilities for the future, though. Something stirred in me yesterday...an immense satisfaction from recognizing a problem and overcoming it, even if I only had a brief opportunity to do so. I definitely WANT to be able to do that again in the future...and right now I believe I can.

Life can throw whatever it wants at me now. I'm ready -- ready to FIGHT!!

Fight or Flight?

This is the true test. None of the progress I've made over the past year will matter unless I can pass this test.

When my alarm went off this morning was when I realized exactly what was going on. I'd planned on going to the pool. My bag was packed and ready, and I woke up rather easily. But I didn't go anywhere.

For once, this isn't about the aches, pains, or fatigue of pregnancy. It's about my old habits...unfortunate instincts that I can't seem to shake. I'm dealing with a couple of really stressful situations in my life right now. Everything has sort of been piling up on top of me, and this last source of stress has pushed me to the brink.

When it comes to the age-old "fight or flight" instincts, for years now I've been falling solidly on the side of "flight." I have no skills for coping with stress (especially when I'm pregnant, but not only then), and so I run away. I run away from conflict, from people who upset me, from situations I can't control. When the going gets tough, I shut down, and check out, and give up on myself.

Some people have wondered why I take my fitness ups and downs so seriously -- it's because for me they have been intertwined with successes and failures in the rest of my life for a long time now. In the past 10 years, every time I've faced a difficult time in my life, I've resorted to poor health habits as my pitiful coping mechanism. In contrast, the times when I have been able to improve my health habits, even if only temporarily, I have likewise been better able to deal with the rest of my life! Well, that was true at least until I faced another major challenge, and then I'd flee from it all again.

So here I am, dealing with pregnancy hormones that make me insane and as poorly equipped to handle stress as I ever am. I have to make some tough decisions and I don't want to run away. I want to dig my heels in and fight. I want to face the things that upset me, or scare me, and actually DEAL with them for once! I don't want to be called out on strikes this time...I want to go down swinging!!!!! And being the extreme personality that I've already admitted to you I am, I know it's going to be an all or nothing sort of thing.

This morning I chose flight. What will I choose when the alarm goes off tomorrow?

26 Weeks - Back to Running

Workouts this week: 1
Total swim time: None
Total run/walk time: about 35 min. (12 min., roughly 1 mile, was running)
Other workouts: None
Weight: 207 lbs
Total weight gained: 23 lbs

I totally forgot to write this update over the weekend! Oops! I'll keep it short because there are some other ideas I want to explore today, and they're major enough to deserve their own entry!

So I had another mostly lazy week, and it would appear that I gained 4 lbs in one week!! I think that is mostly bloating though....ahh, the joys of pregnancy! But I did manage to go for a run on Saturday, and I went outside and took my 5 year-old with me on his bike. It was actually a lot of fun, and not as painful as I expected! I think I keep avoiding or postponing my next run because I'm always afraid it's going to hurt. It was nice to see that this run definitely didn't hurt much at all. I do think I was running a little slower outside, so it might be time to drop my speed on the treadmill as well.

I'm definitely disappointed in my overall performance lately. I had those great dreams of making the most of my last month of the second trimester, but ended up wasting most of it instead. I'll be entering my third tri by the end of this week, and the discomforts are just going to keep increasing more rapidly from now on! I won't speculate any further on how I'm going to proceed from here, because that will be part of my other reflections, later today.

25 Weeks - Short Break from Running?

Workouts this week: None
Total swim time: Zip
Total run/walk mileage: Zilch
Other workouts: Nada
Weight: 203 lbs
Total weight gained: 19 lbs

Despite setting no goals for the week and having really low expectations, I still managed to disappoint myself. I didn't even attempt to do any sort of exercise at all. What's worse, I entertained a lot of thoughts of just giving up on it completely.

I've been having a really rough time mentally and emotionally. The pregnancy hormones are wrecking havoc on me this time around. I get in these terrible moods for no good reason and none of my usual tricks can successfully lift my spirits. I'm equal parts irritable and weepy, and spend a lot of time hating the world just because.

The irony is that exercise is one thing that usually does work to improve my mood, but when my mood is at its worst, the last thing I want to do is exercise. If I could overcome the mood long enough to get a workout in, then the lasting effects could have me feeling better for a while. But I don't know a way to overcome the mood in the first place, to get to where I can make myself work out.

All week long I've thought about giving up on exercise for the remainder of my pregnancy. I don't really want to do that, but if I can't get a handle on my moods, that might just be what happens. I really wish I were better at all this pregnancy stuff (and with 3 kids already, you'd think I'd be a pro by now!), but the truth is I just suck at it. Some women ROCK at being pregnant. It suits them, physically, emotionally, etc. It does not suit me. Never has, and clearly never will.

Most days I just think about the future and hope that everything I learned last year will help me get in shape again when I have to start all over from scratch. The way things are going now, that's about the best for which I can hope. Sorry for all the negativity. That's just where I am right now.

I do still hope to try to exercise this week, but I honestly don't know what I'll be able to force myself to do. Next week's update might be as surprising to me as it is to you!

24 Weeks - Still Running

Workouts this week: 1
Total swim time: None
Total run/walk mileage: 2.75 (1 mile of that was running)
Other workouts: None
Weight: 202 lbs
Total weight gained: 18 lbs

Um. Oops?

Okay, let's focus on the positive things here, few though they may be. First, I recognized that I was having a crappy week, and managed to finish relatively strong with a good run yesterday. I easily could have thrown in the towel for the whole week and gotten one more lazy morning in there, but I didn't. So the week was not a complete fail!!

Second, I did achieve my stated goal of writing more blog posts! They must not have been very interesting, because they sparked few responses, but writing can be therapeutic for me whether anyone reads it or not. I have a short list of topics I want to cover soon, so expect the increased posts to continue, and feel free to suggest topics or ask questions if there is anything you'd like me to address!

I do have some concerns after yesterday's run. With each pregnancy, I get a whole host of aches and pains (lower back, hips, groin, sciatic nerve, etc.) that are all considered normal. Some women get none of them, and some get a few mild ones. I win the aches and pains jackpot and get a whole bunch, and they can be severe at times! Lucky me! So far I have not experienced the pains while running, but they're definitely worse after a run. Yesterday, I was in quite a bit of pain and had trouble walking for the rest of the day. I know I'm going to get these pains whether I run or not, but I certainly don't want to keep making them worse. Yesterday was NOT my last run, but it did make me wonder how much longer I'll be able to keep it up. No matter how good it feels to run, at some point it will no longer be worth it if I'm miserable with pain for an entire day afterwards. I'll see how things go with my next couple of runs, and then I'll experiment with cutting back on speed or distance to see if that helps. All I can do is hope for the best!

Part of me wants to come out fighting after such a disappointing week, but I have to be honest -- I am not setting any goals this week at all. Ideally I'd like to do yoga tomorrow, run Monday, and swim Tuesday, but after that all bets are off. This week I will be entertaining house guests, running a March Madness pool, celebrating St. Patrick's Day, and possibly buying a car. If I don't have the time or energy to keep up with my workouts, so be it. I'll be right back at it the week after that. :)

I Go to Extremes

And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darlin' I don't know why I go to extremes
--Billy Joel

This song came out when I was in middle school, and I felt like the lyrics really spoke to me and my adolescent mood swings. As it turns out, though, I don't think I ever really outgrew the "extremes" sort of personality. And my pregnant mood swings make my adolescent ones look like, well, child's play.

Since I identify so strongly with this song, naturally the lyrics popped into my head this morning as I was contemplating my week in contrast with the last one. Perhaps my cockiness got the best of me and ultimately I jinxed myself with over-confidence! All I know is not only have I not managed to pull off another 5-workout week, but I have not even exercised ONE time so far. Not once.

I wish I had a good excuse, but truly it has just been pure laziness. My bed is really comfy, and in the morning I just don't want to get out. It's as simple as that. Once upon a time, I'd made a lot of progress in overcoming that laziness, but lately the hormones have been helping it sneak back in and take over. I tend to let myself get away with murder when I'm pregnant, all in the name of trying to keep myself happy.

In the past, sitting on my butt until the baby was born has made me happy, but this time it's not having the same effect. I enjoyed all my workouts last week and I wish I'd had similar pleasant experiences this week!!!! So I'm not giving up just yet...tomorrow morning I WILL get up and run!! And Saturday I will do yoga! I hope you will harass the hell out of me if I don't!!!!

Tuesday Tips: Good Fitness TV?

For the second time in a row, I'm bailing on The Biggest Loser halfway through the season. I used to find it very inspirational, but the producers just keep pushing the focus more and more onto drama and surprise twists, and away from healthy habits, hard work, and true fitness. It never portrayed ideal or even realistic methods of weight loss, but it used to have some real heart to it, and I feel it has lost that.

So now I am in the market for TV shows that might provide the inspiration that TBL once did. I don't think there is anything else like it on network TV, and I'm not familiar with much cable TV unless it is on ESPN or Disney/Sprout/Nick/Noggin. :)

Are there any good shows about getting/staying in shape? They don't have to be specifically about weight loss, though I do love to see that sort of transformation. I'm interested in anything that follows people's journeys, shows their progress towards their goals, and involves lots of working out and sweating!

Please share your knowledge...which shows to check out, and which to avoid! Thanks!

Number for Rent

You may recall how proudly I "owned my number" when my weight finally dropped below 200 lbs last year. Well, as of my most recent weekly weigh-in, I've hit 200 once again.

I know it's not a big deal. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- I'm not obsessing over exactly how much weight I gain with this pregnancy. My focus is on staying fit and active, with the primary goal being getting back into shape as quickly as possible after the baby is born.

So the number on the scale doesn't really matter much. I've watched it climb slowly and haven't been bothered by it, until now. There is just something difficult to swallow about seeing my weight start with a "2" instead of a "1." After being over 200 for so long, and then working so hard to get under 200, it's not easy to go back over it, even knowing that it's temporary.

Hopefully this state of mind won't last. In a few weeks I should be used to seeing my weight keep climbing into the 200's, and it won't bother me anymore. I know I have a good bit more weight to gain, as the baby starts to grow more rapidly. This is normal, healthy, and GOOD, and I need to keep reminding myself that until it's not an issue messing with my head anymore!

What I want to be more cognizant of this time around is what happens to my weight after the baby arrives. Thanks to eating my way through the grief of losing my Dad, I actually gained weight after my last baby was born. My pre-pregnancy weight was just under 200 lbs, at 196, but when I finally decided to get back in shape, I was up to about 220, give or take. I don't want to go down that road again. Even if I don't start losing weight immediately postpartum, I at least want to keep it stable and not gain anything further at that point. I don't want to keep re-losing the same pounds over and over again!!

I'm committed to getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight at a steady and reasonable pace, but I have to say, it will be much easier if no one I love dies this time around...

23 Weeks - Still Running

Workouts this week: 5 (!!!)
Total swim time: 1 hr, 10 min
Total run/walk mileage: 5.50 (2 miles of that was running)
Other workouts: Yoga DVD once
Weight: 200 lbs
Total weight gained: 16 lbs

Here's to meeting goals and having a great week! I must owe my success to the boost of self-confidence that I borrowed from Charlie Sheen! Hahaha

It felt awesome to get in two runs and two swims, and all strong workouts. I'm definitely following through on my plan to make the most of this month in case it's the last one where I feel good for a while. Let's hope I can keep it up a few more weeks!

The irony of my fitness experience is that it's not having the effect I expected. I was under the impression that regular exercise during pregnancy helps prevent a lot of the aches and pains that come about with the changes in the body. Maybe my case is different because I've gone through three pregnancies before and already laid some groundwork, so to speak, for all those aches and pains. I have no idea if that's a possible cause-and-effect scenario, but what I do know is that no matter how good I feel while I'm running or swimming, I'm still gradually developing the usual pains anyway.

Fortunately, the discomfort is all still pretty bearable, and hasn't curtailed my regular activity level. I'm still hoping that in the long term, the yoga at least will help keep the aches and pains from getting as severe as they have been by the end of my previous pregnancies.

Now that's enough about pain! I want to focus on what is going right these days! I'm optimistic that I'll be able to duplicate my efforts this week. A total of five workouts is probably about the best I can do, so I'm not going to try to improve on it. I'm just going to shoot for the same number, and strive to give each workout 100% effort. I gave it my all in my last two runs, but I think I could push myself a little harder in the pool, and focus a little better during yoga.

I'm also setting a separate goal of writing more blog entries this week. I don't just want to give you weekly updates on my progress, especially because there is so little to report. So this week I'm going to try to address other fitness topics that have been on my mind. During the time that I wasn't writing here at all, I was still thinking about fitness and planning for the future and being inspired by others...so I do have things to say. I hope you'll enjoy them!

Winning!

No, I don't have tiger blood or Adonis DNA, but I am channeling a bit of Charlie Sheen's self-confidence (misguided though his may be) today! I ran this morning for the second time this week, and it went really well! That put me in a good mood that lasted all day long. :)

My week is going well both physically and mentally. I might actually make it to a total of five workouts this week, but even more importantly, I'm already perfectly content with what I've done so far. A friend gave me a thought to ponder a couple of weeks ago, and I've started to look at things in terms of where I am now, not where I was before the pregnancy or where I hope to be in 6 months or so. Where I am right now cannot compare to those times, and dwelling on the past or the fantasy of the future will only make me feel bad about my current reality.

When I focus on just where I am now, and making the most of how I feel like I said I wanted to do this month, I can see that things are good. My running has become consistent, and now that I'm happy with the amount that I'm doing, it feels like an enormous accomplishment to achieve my goal for each run. For a while, I was not enjoying pregnant running because it was so different from non-pregnant running and I just felt weak and out of shape. Now I'm finally enjoying running again, because I'm surprised and pleased that it still feels as good as it does at this point. After each time I run, I ask myself, "Was that my last run until after the baby is born?" And each time the answer has been a resounding "NO!"

I still don't know how much longer I'll be able to continue, but every time I have a good run, I know I'm at least one more run, and probably more, away from being done. And that makes me feel great...it makes me feel special. To quote my new idol for self-confidence: "I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars!" :)

22 Weeks - Still Running

Workouts this week: 2
Total swim time: 30 min
Total run/walk mileage: 3.0 (1 mile of that was running)
Other workouts: None
Weight: 198 lbs
Total weight gained: 14 lbs

I set goals for myself to have a better week than the one prior, and I failed to meet those goals. Instead of doubling my runs and swims, they remained the same and I had HALF as many total workouts.

Oddly enough though, I don't really feel as angry at myself as I normally would. My one run was a good one -- this time the quarter-mile-at-a-time method worked and I was able to complete a whole mile. That restored my confidence in my ability to keep running a reasonable amount, for now. I haven't had to slow my speed either. I've slightly slowed my walking speed in between runs because catching my breath is a little more difficult than it used to be, but I'm still running at my previous (already slow) speed. :)

My one swim this week went well also. I'm still feeling strong in the water and breathing well. On a practical level, I can still climb the ladder to get out of the deep end of the pool (I'm anticipating that getting much more difficult when I become extremely front-heavy!). And on a silly, shallow level, I'm still wearing the same swimsuit that I was before I got pregnant. Granted, the only reason it still fits is that the pool chemicals have caused it to wear down and stretch way out, but still, it's one of the only items of pre-pregnancy clothing I can still wear, so I'm celebrating it! :)

I choose to focus on the quality rather than the quantity of this past week's workouts, and therefore I feel good, and I feel thankful for feeling good. I did get in a run today but I will count it in next week's totals. I usually count my weeks from Monday to Sunday, but for purposes of this pregnancy I'm counting them from Sunday to Saturday because my due date is a Saturday. This is a silly detail that doesn't matter at all, but I figured I'd explain it because I wanted to mention that I had another good run today. Starting off this new week strongly is probably part of why I am not letting myself get upset about the small number of workouts last week.

Once again, I am setting a goal to double my runs and swims, and since I failed to do yoga at all last week, my second goal is to do the yoga DVD again at least once. I believe I can do it! And I really NEED to do it, especially doubling the swims, because if I'm not getting my money's worth out of my monthly pool pass, I can't justify the expense of keeping it. So I need to swim 2-3 more times before it's time to renew!! Here's to a great week!

One Last Good Month

I am happy to report that all my appointments went well this week, and both baby and I are looking good and healthy! :)

With my past two babies, I've struggled with pregnancy-induced anemia, which is normal and totally manageable, but just one more factor that caused me extra fatigue. I've expected to develop it again this time, but so far I have been lucky enough to avoid it!

Last time around, at my "big" ultrasound I was diagnosed with partial placenta previa, and placed on "restricted activity" for a month until they could do another ultrasound and see if it had resolved itself (and it had). I'm happy to have avoided that issue this time too! I would have been extraordinarily frustrated if I'd been ordered not to exercise for a month!

So with a clean bill of health and still minimal aches and pains, I'm hoping to make the most of this last month of my second trimester! I want to exercise as much as I possibly can (i.e. as much as is comfortable and I have energy for) over the next four weeks or so, in case my tolerance for activity declines sharply in the third tri.

I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself. I know there are no guarantees that I'll feel good enough to exercise every day for the next month! If pains start cropping up or I'm just too tired, that's fine. My approach to this month is more about fighting a natural inclination of mine, which is procrastination. It's very much like me to put things off, including workouts, with the attitude that they can always be done the next day, or the day after that, etc. That way of thinking is not going to serve me well right now, when I'm facing a very real future where all exercise is going to get more difficult! So I'm just trying to remind myself that conditions are not going to get any better than they are right now, and I should seize this time and get as much out of it as I can!!

Here's to one last good month! (Well, at LEAST one....if this one goes well and I still feel good, I'll certainly shoot for another good month after that!) :)

Reflections

This week is providing me with some natural opportunities for reflection. I've always been the type to recognize anniversaries of different events and ponder how things have changed in my life since they first occurred.

Today marks 6 years since my mother died. During the years prior, as her disease worsened and other stress in my life became overwhelming, I began my descent into frequent emotional eating. At the time of her death, I was pregnant with my first child, and I used the pregnancy as just one more reason to drown all my sorrows in junk food and laziness.

Now here I am, many years and heartaches later, pregnant once again, but living a completely different lifestyle this time around! I'm over halfway through my pregnancy and I'm still running, swimming, and doing yoga. I definitely indulge in junk food more often than I do when I'm not pregnant, but not to the extremes that I have before. Most of the time I believe that if my Mom can see me now, she is probably proud of the changes I've made in my life. I bet she's pleased with my increased strength, both physical and emotional. My Mom was an incredibly strong woman, and I know she respected strength in others as well!

My other reason for reflection this week was my "bootiversary." A year ago yesterday, I was diagnosed with a stress fracture and put in a removable walking cast. A setback in my quest to become a runner, that injury could have been just another excuse to slip back into my old ways. Instead it became a turning point in my life, as I refused to take my injury lying down. I purchased a pool membership, overcame my complete lack of skills in the water, and pressed on with my weight loss and fitness journey. Before long, I fell in love with swimming, set exciting new goals, and began this blog!

In a strange way, I am thankful for my stress fracture. Had I never gotten hurt, I probably never would have discovered the wonderful world of swimming! I might not have learned to appreciate running so much either, if I hadn't had to go a few months without. The injury and subsequent recovery led me to change my whole approach to fitness, and I'm really grateful!!

So this week is bringing me lots of memories and mixed emotions. At the heart of it all is a sense of gratitude for my life, my health, and all the lessons I have learned over the years. I am truly blessed!

As a side note, I have to give a shout-out to my wonderful husband, who turns 33 today! He is my biggest fan and I never could have made so much progress on my journey without his constant support and encouragement! Happy Birthday, Lonnie! I love you!

21 Weeks - Still Running

Workouts this week: 4
Total swim time: 30 min
Total run/walk mileage: 2.75 (.75 mile of that was running)
Other workouts: Prenatal Yoga DVD 2x
Weight: 198 lbs
Total weight gained: 14 lbs

Despite my whining the other day, this was actually a better week than the one before. I still only ran and swam once each, but I also did my prenatal yoga DVD twice. I'm hoping that the yoga will help reduce the third trimester aches and pains that loom on the horizon.

I had a great swim yesterday -- it was the strongest one I've had in a long time. My arms didn't tire too quickly, and I felt strong and not too terribly slow. So even though running is a struggle, I guess I haven't lost all my fitness just yet!

At the moment, all of my pregnancy symptoms/side effects are minor, and I'm reasonably comfortable. I get the occasional aches and discomforts, but they are moderate and manageable. This is probably about as good as I will feel throughout the entire nine months, so I ought to make the most of it! In the week to come, I hope to double both my runs and my swims, but I will settle for doubling just one of them. I also have an appointment with my hematologist and one with my OB which will include the "big" ultrasound, so I'll know even more about how the baby and I are doing!

Some friends have given me things to think about regarding my efforts here, and I hope to write an introspective post or two later this week. Here's to a great week for everyone!

Immunity

If you watch much competitive reality TV, you know that immunity is one of the most coveted rewards for winning some sort of challenge. When you have immunity, you cannot be voted off the island, out of the house, off the ranch, etc. Doesn't that sound nice?

I could use some immunity right now too...immunity from GERMS! Unfortunately the immune system weakens during pregnancy, and I'm experiencing that more this time around than I ever have before. Starting with that bout of bronchitis in November, I feel like I've just been going from germ to germ, rarely feeling well except for a couple days at a time, here and there. Each illness lingers longer than it should too, such that other than the bronchitis and the stomach virus I suffered in January, it feels as though I have just been fighting one long cold that never really goes away.

All of this whining does have a point, I promise. When I wake up in the morning feeling really congested, I'm unlikely to engage in strenuous exercise. Running is no fun when you can't breathe, and leaving a trail of phlegm in the pool is just gross. I'm so frustrated. I feel like I have enough working against me already just trying to exercise through pregnancy for the first time. It doesn't seem fair to have to battle constant illness too!

You may be thinking that an easy solution to my problem would be to exercise in the evening instead, but that's really out of the question these days. By the end of the work day, my whole body is exhausted and all I want to do is sit in a comfy chair with my feet up. Maybe that's mostly laziness, but I feel like some of it is also all the abdominal muscles getting strained and stretched all day to the point where they don't want to have to support any extra weight anymore. Granted, they're not supporting THAT MUCH extra weight just yet, but it's enough to make me tired and achy, and enough to make me give in to the comfy chair.

I'm embarrassed to sound like such a big crybaby today, but I also want to be honest about my feelings. I do want to exercise regularly, but I'm struggling. I ran on Tuesday and it was really rough. I tried my new plan of running a quarter mile at a time, and it didn't help. I only completed the first quarter-mile run, and after that ran in even smaller increments for a total of only 3/4 of a mile. The congestion/cough may have played a part, or I could just be losing more and more fitness. Only time will tell. Meanwhile, I haven't been able to force myself to the pool yet this week. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up feeling well enough to go!

I just wish I could win some sort of immunity prize and stop getting voted off of Healthy Island!!! Maybe Spring will bring a break from the germs...

20 Weeks - Still Running

Workouts this week: 2
Total swim time: 30 min
Total run/walk mileage: 2.5 (1 mile of that was running)
Weight: 196 lbs
Total weight gained: 12 lbs


I've decided to do weekly summaries to monitor my progress. Today I'm officially halfway through my pregnancy and I just finished a short run. Lately I've been running one mile, split into two halves with enough walking in between for me to catch my breath. The second half mile has been getting tougher and tougher, so I think it might be time for a change. I'd still like to complete a mile running, but it might help if I break it up into smaller increments with more walking in between. For my next run, I'll try running a quarter mile at a time and see if that is easier.

I'm frustrated with my total number of workouts. Ideally, I'd love to be exercising 3-5 times per week, including working in an occasional session of prenatal yoga. The energy and time continue to elude me though. I know that doing something is better than doing nothing, but I want to be doing MORE now while I still can!! So I will try harder this week to get to the pool and get on the treadmill more than once each.

That's all I have time for today. I'll write again soon, with some thoughts on why pregnant running is such a mental struggle! Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!

Running for Two

Well HELLO there, my handful of devoted readers! Have you missed me much? It has been a long time, but I can explain...

Most of you know by now that I'm currently pregnant with my fourth child, due to arrive the last week of June. Yay! I found out the week of my 10K (so I technically ran that race pregnant, though I didn't have any real symptoms yet and felt completely normal). We decided to keep the news to ourselves until just last week, for personal reasons, so I haven't been able to blog about my experiences trying to stay fit while battling nonstop nausea and fatigue for most of November-January.

I did post about my Turkey Trot 5K, but didn't mention the morning sickness that threatened to keep me away. My "morning" sickness generally lasts all day, and the two days before Thanksgiving had been particularly brutal. I woke up that morning not knowing what to expect, but I was fortunate enough to be able to run the race without feeling too sick! In fact, my break from nausea lasted long enough for me to cook a whole turkey dinner that day, only really overwhelming me right before we ate. I'm very proud of myself for dealing with the cold wet weather, the fatigue, AND the possibility of the nausea appearing at any moment, to run that race. It ended up being my final pre-baby race, as I'm in no shape for long distances now, so I'm even more grateful that I was able to complete it.

After Thanksgiving, finding the motivation to exercise got harder and harder. Not only did I feel awful most of the time and barely have energy just to get through the day, but I also was overwhelmed with holiday tasks and squeezing in enough work hours by the end of the year. I only ran a few times in December, and didn't swim at all. January was only marginally better, as my first trimester pregnancy symptoms tend to linger a few weeks into the second tri. I did manage to run a little more and drag myself to the pool....once.

Psychologically, this experience has been a bit of a mess. I alternate between feeling frustrated and disappointed with myself, and wanting to cut myself some slack for doing the best that I can. In my previous pregnancies, I have not even attempted to exercise, so even the little that I've done has been a vast improvement!! I still strive to do better though, and will continue to try. For me, it's not an issue of keeping my weight gain down or looking great or even feeling good throughout the pregnancy. I actually hate being pregnant and I know I'm not going to feel good no matter how fit I try to be! All my efforts now are focused on making recovery quicker after the baby is born. I will have a repeat c-section, and will have 6 weeks post partum where the only exercise I'm allowed to do is walk. But once those 6 weeks have passed, I want to get back into running as quickly as I possibly can!! The better shape I stay in now, the easier it will be to get back into it then!! At least, that's what I'm hoping....

In case you are wondering about the Big Picture, I still have my long-term goals of running more races and eventually completing a triathlon. I've simply shifted it all a little further into the future. I hope to return to 5K's and 10K's as early as the fall, and I think I'm aiming for early summer 2012 for my first sprint distance triathlon. I do not see this pregnancy as an obstacle to overcome or a detour from my journey...it's all PART of the lifelong journey to good health. I'm sure I will have lots of philosophical musings about pregnancy and fitness, so be prepared for more frequent postings. I probably will also need to vent my frustrations some, since, as I mentioned, I really hate being pregnant, and I never have an easy time of it. You name a possible pregnancy symptom, and chances are I've had it at least once. To add insult to injury, I have a blood-clotting disorder which requires me to give myself daily injections for the whole nine months. Good times...good times.

I hope blogging will help me with my motivation issues. I've been to the pool once this week and plan to swim again tomorrow morning. So far I haven't talked myself into a run yet; I hope to get on the treadmill Saturday morning or sometime on Sunday. I could use some encouragement, so if you think you can handle all my hormonal whining, please join me on this part of my journey!!! Thanks! :)

Gobble Gobble

11/25/2010 6th Annual LARS Turkey Trot 5K
Official time: 39:01

I should confess up front that I'm still in a bit of an exercise funk and have not become reacquainted yet with my motivation. But I'm still trying!

Thanksgiving morning was cold and rainy. I'd been up late the night before, preparing food in advance. I got up early in the morning, after not nearly enough sleep, to prepare still more food. The thought of bailing on the race under those conditions was mighty tempting!!!

At the last possible second, I decided that I really did want to run the race after all. I threw on my clothes and rushed to the starting line with less than 10 minutes to spare. My expectations were spectacularly low: with only 2 runs under my belt since my 10K, and such gross weather conditions, I fully expected to struggle just to finish in a vertical position.

Luckily, the atmosphere was festive and my fellow racers were cheerful and friendly, which helped offset the cold and rain. I also rather enjoyed the novelty of running through the town where I live for a change - the course took us through downtown, along the river, and even near my church and past the field where my son played soccer this fall! There was one brutal hill that I'd planned in advance to walk, and walk I did. I knew if I tried to run it in my current shape, I'd probably be toast for the rest of the race after that! Walking up the hill and catching my breath afterwards allowed me to run the rest of the race in good form!

Overall, I'm pleased with the experience and I'm glad I didn't let the weather and lack of energy keep me away. I didn't stress about the race and just ran for the enjoyment of running! I walked when I needed to and still finished with a respectable (for me) time. Running on Thanksgiving morning really was a blast, and I plan to do more Turkey Trots in the future! Maybe next year I can drag my whole family out...there were a bunch of kids in this race (and most of them beat me...hahaha).

It was back to laziness for me for the rest of Thanksgiving weekend, but then I managed to get up and run yesterday. It was a short run, and a bad one, but I'm glad that I ran at all. It looks like I'll be doing mostly treadmill running now that the days are getting so short, so I'll have to readjust to that. I still hope to get outside on the weekends though!

I still have not managed to drag my butt back to the pool. It's getting harder now that it's cold in the mornings. Getting out of my nice warm bed to go outside where it's cold and then swim in a cold pool sounds thoroughly unappealing. I don't even know how to talk myself into it. Maybe I need to bribe myself with some kind of treat after I swim. Hey, bribery works on my kids...why not me too? :)

Tomorrow is another run day, and then Friday maybe I'll finally make it to the pool. Or not. I'll keep you posted.

Old Habits

Just like I lost a lot of the fitness I'd built up during my weeks away from exercise due to illness, so too did I lose the good habits I'd worked so long and hard to develop. I had gotten really good about getting up before dawn nearly every day to go for a swim or a run. Then I spent a couple of weeks stealing every extra minute of rest I could get, and stopped setting my alarm completely. Now I'm setting the alarm again, but I can't seem to make myself obey it.

You see, I'm chronically overtired. I never get enough sleep, and there's not much I can do about it. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to be the mother, wife, and employee I expect myself to be.

Part of the reason I let my weight get so out of control is that I never made exercise enough of a priority that I could work it into my schedule. And isn't that one of the most common excuses not to work out? "I just don't have the time." But if you don't find the time to take care of yourself now, then later you may run out of time in your life too soon! So I finally started MAKING the time to get in shape. It wasn't an easy process, training myself to get up early every day. I am NOT a morning person, and I never will be. But eventually I made early morning workouts a habit, a routine, a natural part of my life.

And now all that has unraveled. I'd forgotten how delicious a soft pillow feels under a tired head, or how cozy the blankets are on a chilly morning. I forgot how good an extra hour of sleep could feel to someone trying to function on a deficit. Right now, sleep is kicking exercise's butt in the battle of my mornings.

I think I have just temporarily lost my focus. Now that winter is approaching and the racing season is winding down, all my major goals are further out on the horizon, so I don't have anything to be pushing myself for at the moment. I'm not feeling any serious motivation to break out of these old habits into which I have re-settled. I don't know why it has to be one extreme or the other for me. What I'd like is to find some happy medium...the drive to keep exercising several days a week even if the workouts are not too challenging. I'd like to maintain some reasonable measure of fitness through the holidays before I start training again for spring events.

So that's my struggle right now. Hopefully soon I'll have a positive update about how I've found my motivation again and eased back into regular exercise!!

Catching My Breath

Well, the cold I mentioned in previous entries, which I'd been fighting for about two weeks, ultimately morphed into bronchitis. I missed four days of work and finally dragged myself to a doctor last Friday. After a round of antibiotics, I'm finally feeling like a human being again, and I can BREATHE!!!!

The bronchitis was a surreal experience. I'm in probably the best cardiovascular health I've been in as an adult. I ran an entire 10K without ever getting so winded that breathing was a struggle. And then, just a few days later, I found myself out of breath just from walking into the next room of my house! I've been slowly getting better all week, but haven't attempted running again yet because I just can't imagine being able to breathe well enough.

While I've been out of commission, I've had time to ponder my goals. Achieving my goal of running a complete 10K on the first try was so unexpected that it really threw me for a loop...almost as much as failing at my first 5K goal did! I had planned on running another 10K in December, and expected THAT to be the first one I'd run all the way through. Now I technically don't need to run that race, so I'm thinking of skipping it to save some money and just resume racing again in the spring. On the other hand, without an event to keep training for, it might be easy to lose my motivation as I get caught up in the hustle and bustle (and eating!) of the holiday season.

As of now, I'm still undecided on the 10K, but I'm sticking with my plan to run a 5K Turkey Trot race on Thanksgiving morning. After two weeks off from running, I have no idea what kind of shape I'll be in, but I'm going to do my best. I might try to get out for a short jog tomorrow morning, but if I don't make it, I will definitely run again this Sunday. Wish me luck and a set of healthy lungs!

So Good, It's SCARY

10/31/2010 Marine Corps Marathon 10K
Official Time: 1:16:50 (RAN THE WHOLE WAY!!!!)


Sorry for the delayed race report...my cold has been kicking my butt, and I've also been waiting to assemble all the pictures. This will probably get a little long...please bear with me!

As I mentioned in my last entry, on Saturday I went to the race expo to pick up my packet. The energy there was amazing, and I couldn't help but take a few pictures. I love the spooky Halloween design on the t-shirt and bib!



I awoke before dawn on Halloween morning...so far before dawn, in fact, that I got dressed, drove to the metro, rode the metro all the way into DC, emerged from the metro to find it....still TOTALLY dark outside! I wasn't completely awake yet at 5am, but I tried to look alert for a pre-reace photo at home.

Here are the symbols I wore to represent Jack. I thought if I drew them on, they might come off with sweat, so I used foam stickers. I loved having them on my hands because everytime I looked down for any reason, I saw them and thought of Jack some more. He was definitely with me throughout the race!


This is the starting line for the 10K. I knew I wouldn't be lined up anywhere near it for the actual race, so I had to get my photo ahead of time. As you can see, it was still very very dark.

For you ladies who enjoy a man in uniform, this race had two preferences covered in one spot: Marines and UPS men! Dropping off my bag was one of the highlights of my morning. Heehee.


The pre-race atmosphere was fantastic! I just walked around for a while, checking out people's costumes (I don't know how some of them could run in their costumes, but they managed!), and taking pictures. There was a very positive, fun energy everywhere and I soaked it all in. Finally it was time to stretch, jog a little to warm up, and find my way to the start.

I lined up in the 1:20-1:29 corral, and that was perfect because the clock time of my finish was 1:24. We were so far back that we could just barely hear the national anthem being sung, but we sure heard whatever they shot to start to race! I'm thinking it was a cannon... When we finally got up to the start line, there was music playing and an announcer saying all kinds of encouraging things. The song switched to "Bad Romance" right before I crossed the starting line, and it was the perfect final burst of energy to get me going. I'm a big Lady Gaga fan, and my 5-year-old son sings "Bad Romance" all the time. So I started running feeling happy and excited!

The first mile felt like it went by really quickly even though I was running my usual pace. It was a challenge to dodge all the people who started walking early on, but I managed not to trip or run into anyone. I started out without using my ipod, but turned the music on sometime while I was crossing the 14th St. bridge. I ended up pausing the music several times throughout the race, anytime there were spectators cheering or other music playing, but in between I did rely on some inspirational songs to keep me going.

I'm glad I set my goals so low for this race, because I think the lack of pressure was what helped me keep going the whole time. All along I kept thinking "I can walk at any time if I need to and it's fine," but at the same time I realized that I didn't truly need to walk yet. I hit 2 miles, and then 3, and realized I was very close to my reach goal. As I approached the 4-mile marker, I knew I'd almost achieved everything I hoped to in this race, but I also thought about how I had completed a 5-mile run just two weeks before, and so i decided to keep going one more mile. I was so excited about completing 5 miles that I managed to take a photo with my phone and post it to Facebook, complete with the caption "Still running." Yes, I know, I run really slowly, or else that wouldn't have been possible. LOL


As I passed the mile 5 marker, I considered taking a walk break to conserve some energy for the big hill that I knew was coming at the end. But my ipod was blasting "Don't Stop Believin'" and all I could think was that I had just a little over a mile left to go...so why not just keep going? So I did! I was really tired at this point, but also really motivated. I stopped thinking "I can walk at any time" and started thinking "I am going to FINISH THIS THING!!" Soon I didn't need my ipod anymore because there was loud music playing along the course. When I passed the mile 6 marker, I started to get emotional, realizing I was actually going to run the whole race. I think I would have cried a little if I hadn't been both exhausted and dehydrated. At the base of the scary hill was a Marine shouting encouraging things like "You're not finished until you get up that hill!!" Can you imagine any better motivation to charge up the hill just like a Marine? I went at it with all the strength I had left. It was insanely steep but thankfully very short. I think the hills I run regularly in my neighborhood had me well-prepared for this moment. And even if that were not true, there were throngs of cheering spectators, as well a wheelchair racer completing the marathon right next to me. It was a finish right out of a movie or something...and a truly amazing moment for me.

Unfortunately my kids chose to have one of their uncooperative mornings on Sunday, so my family didn't make it to the finish line in time to see me cross. Therefore the only running photos that exist were taken by the MarathonFoto people. Below are proofs of their shots of me approaching and then crossing the finish line.



Once I finished, I sort of wandered around in a daze for a while. I missed the medals at first because I was confused by all the crowds and didn't know where to go. I walked along where Marines were handing out Powerade, water, and bags of food, and almost kept going beyond there when I realized that a lot of people were wearing their medals. I found my way back to where they were being handed out, and an adorable Marine put one on me. Then I went and posed for the official "finisher's photo" in front of the Iwo Jima Memorial.


I was still somewhat in a daze at this point, so I just sat down on the ground and started eating a bagel. I took this opportunity for a self-portrait with my medal, which I posted to Facebook along with the exciting news that I had run the whole race!


Once I finally met up with my family and picked up my bag, we made our way back to the finish line area so they could see it. By then the marathon had already been won, but we watched a few other finishers cross. My husband took this picture of me with the finish line in the background.


Then we all took the shuttle to Crystal City and hung out in the "Crystal Run" area for a while. The kids took advantage of the snacks and fun family activities, while I stood on the side of the road and cheered on marathoners until I nearly lost my voice. That was almost as fun as running my own race! It felt great to see the appreciative looks on their faces when they'd thank us for our support. If you ever have the chance to be a volunteer or spectator for a marathon, you really should do it! It's an incredibly gratifying, not to mention inspirational, experience.

Overall, I'd say my race experience was 100% positive, and not just because I so far exceeded my expectations. It was just a great event to be part of, and I can't wait to do it again! There are so many people who run in memory of a lost loved one killed in action, or in honor of a brave soul currently deployed. As I ran, I thought of Jack and my own race dedication, but also offered a prayer for every loved one I saw pictured or named on someone's shirt. It's great to participate in an event that is about fitness and athletic competition, but has a deeper meaning also.

So my running time was 1:16:50, which is a 12:22 pace. My treadmill runs are generally at a 12:00 pace, and my outdoor runs tend to be about the same. I'm slow, but at least I'm consistent. And to quote a great shirt I saw on a fellow runner, "Slow mileage is better than No mileage." If you got this far, thanks for reading. I'm going to enjoy my feeling of accomplishment for a little while before I set another large goal. I hope to kick my cold soon so I can get back to running. As always, I'll keep you posted.

Semper Fi, everyone!