Du, or Du Not....

...there is no Tri.

Alas, I could not resist the opportunity it make a pun out of the immortal words of Yoda.

So, the swim leg of Iron Girl Columbia has been cancelled due to issues with the water since last week's storm that led to the disastrous flooding in Ellicott City.

Now I am left trying to decide whether to participate at all.

My plan for today was to write an introspective piece about what triathlon means to me and why I do it. The joy has really been taken out of it this summer by all the struggles in my life: being unemployed and unable to find a new job, losing my beloved cat to a sudden serious illness, and of course this nagging heel pain. I forced myself to keep training though I felt lost, no longer understanding what the point of any of it was. My final conclusion, before the news came out about the swim, was that my whole purpose in racing this weekend would be to figure out what it all means to me and whether I could still love it even when the rest of my life is in shambles.

And then they scrapped the swim.

I agree with the decision -- it's the safe thing to do. But it sucks. I'm not sure how much running I'll be able to do, so now this whole thing is just a lot of hassle for a bike ride that I could literally do on my own (in fact HAVE done on my own twice before). I'm not sure if it's worth getting up before dawn for all that.

I'm really just sort of dumbfounded here. How am I supposed to figure out why I tri, if I can't even tri? The swim was the leg I was looking forward to the most this time around! How can my experience be anything but negative now? Is this all some giant sign that triathlon is really not for me? I mean, I'm pretty terrible at all three disciplines, and it's an expensive sport that I really couldn't afford even when I had a stable income. And when everything else in my life is falling apart, triathlon just seems silly and pointless.

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

When things first started to unravel back in the spring, I had hoped that swimming, biking, and running could be my means to cope with the stress and remain focused and sane and positive. It just hasn't worked out that way. Right now I don't know what I'm going to do on Sunday. I guess I will write an update when I decide.