Friday, June 4, 2010

Picking Up Where I Left Off

The redundant portion of my weight loss journey is over! Today I weighed in at 196 lbs, which is what I weighed at the start of my last pregnancy.

After my second son was born in the summer of 2007, I started exercising (mostly just walking) and eating better, and I slowly began to lose weight. By the spring of 2008 I was down a little more than 25 lbs, and had just started running. I felt great and was motivated to continue getting in shape. Then my untimely pregnancy with my third son caught me completely off guard.

The damage was more psychological than physical at first. I just gave up on myself immediately. All I could think was that my hard work had been a waste of time, and now I probably would gain all the weight back and have an even harder time trying to lose it all over again. Thanks to a difficult pregnancy (emotionally and physically) and the death of my father, and more negative self-talk, I became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It was incredibly hard to find the motivation to start another weight loss journey after my baby was born. I was in the depths of grief and eating my way through it. Attempts at exercise never lasted long before I gave up and landed my butt back on the couch again.

Even once I finally committed to getting healthy, the frustration of having to re-lose weight I'd already lost has been with me every step of the way. So today truly feels like a fresh start! Now as the numbers on the scale continue to go down, each one will be a weight I haven't seen in over 5 years!! I don't even remember what it feels like to be smaller than this. When I go down another size, it will be like getting a brand-new wardrobe because I haven't seen those clothes in so long that I've forgotten what they look like!

For a long time I was angry at myself for letting my emotions cause me to gain that weight back, but I'm ready to let it go now. It's just...life. Sure, it would have been easier NOT to have to lose those 25 lbs TWICE, but being angry at myself isn't what drove me to do it, and it isn't what's going to drive me to keep going now. Losing weight and getting in shape have such a crazy psychological component, and I'm fighting hard to keep a healthy sense of perspective so that I won't self-sabotage again. And even if I do - if I face another tragedy or period of stress that causes me to gain a bunch of weight - there will be no need for negative self-talk because I know now that I CAN lose the weight again if I need to!!

I've always believed in God, and I believe in lots of other things too, but what's new these days is that I finally believe in ME! :)

Side note: I promised an update on my attempts at flip turns. I tried a few yesterday, and WOW they're hard. This is going to take a while for me to master. I didn't get to practice this morning because my pool was closed due to a power outage, but I'll get right back to it next week and I'll let you know when I manage to make some progress!

2 comments:

  1. Just so proud of you!!!! :-)

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  2. Congratulations, April!! Thanks for sharing your journey with us all. - Charla

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