5 Weeks PP - Facing Reality

Workouts this week: 4
Most Strenuous Workout: Walking the length of the mall 2x
Weight: 207 lbs
Total pregnancy weight lost: 16 lbs
Pregnancy weight left to lose: 23 lbs

With only one week remaining in my c-section recovery period, I'm realizing how unrealistic most of my goals and hopes for post-baby fitness are. The problem is no longer pain -- I've gone several days now with no OTC painkillers whatsoever (well, not counting the one dose of Tylenol I took for a headache), and I'm feeling pretty good! Hooray! Despite my expectations, I think I actually recovered faster this time than I did last time!

Now the problems are time and energy. Breastfeeding means I'm literally attached to my baby for a large portion of the day, and just taking care of an infant is exhausting. It has been challenging just to find the time to write this blog post; finding time to go for walks has been nearly impossible. And right now is the easy time! I'm still at home on maternity leave, and the kids are still on summer vacation, and there are few scheduled events putting demands on my time. When I imagine how crazy everything is going to be when I return to work in a month, I just want to cry. I don't really know how I'm going to find time to exercise regularly. I don't even know how I'm going to find time to bathe regularly! I am remembering vividly now why it took me so long to get back to walking/running after baby #3.

Even if I can find a little time a few days per week to get moving, I think my road back to running is going to be a long one. I'm so tired most of the time that I fall asleep when I'm sitting still feeding the baby at all times of day. I don't know when I will have enough energy to move my feet any faster than a slow walk. I'd thought, many months ago, that maybe I would attempt the Arlington 9/11 5K again this year. I figured I'd have to walk at least half of it, but it would be a nice experience to participate without so much pressure on myself to do well, and also in an especially meaningful year (the 10th anniversary of the attacks). The race is just a little over a month away, and somehow I'm doubting I'd even be able to run a mile of it by then. I really thought I'd be racing again in the fall, but now I think I need to erase those thoughts from my head completely and act as though I'm starting all over again from square one. That may be the only way I can ease myself back into running at a pace that is compatible with my current situation.

I'm sorry if the tone of this post is very negative. I think I have to go through these feelings of disappointment and frustration, and almost mourn the loss of how I had hoped things would be, in order to move past it and arrive at a more positive approach to coping with how things actually are. Does that make sense? Soon maybe I will be mapping out a new training plan for myself, and setting realistic, attainable goals, and proceeding with enthusiasm and good cheer. For right now, I'm kicking myself for dreaming too big and setting myself up for this letdown.

I should also include a disclaimer that I'm writing this at nearly 1:00am, when I finally found time and had my hands free for typing. I'm so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open, and everything seems worse when I'm this exhausted. I hope that my readers who are also moms understand where I'm coming from, and that my readers who don't have kids will be patient with me as I work through this phase!

On a lighter note, this is my 100th post! Woohoo! I think I will celebrate...by going to bed. :)

EDIT: Just realized the count I was looking at included some draft posts that were never completed/published. So it's not really my 100th post. Oops. See, I REALLY need sleep.