Ch-Ch-Changes

Change is afoot here at Might As Well Tri!

As I'm gearing up to fully embrace the active lifestyle again, I'm starting to rely on this blog as a motivating factor. The more I write, the more I want to do things so that I'll have even more topics to cover! In order to keep that momentum going, I'm going to create a little more structure here so it will be easier for me to organize my thoughts.

Basically, I'm going to assign a topic or theme to each day of the week (and in some cases it will be multiple themes that will rotate according to circumstances or my mood). Then, any time I think of something I'd like to write about, I'll figure out which theme fits best, and create a post in that format for that day.

Now, I'm a little rebellious by nature, and sometimes I enjoy having structure in place just so I can deviate from it. If I ever have a post that I'm dying to publish, but it doesn't fit into any of my established themes, I'm just going to post it anyway. I also might blend categories together, or mix up the days, or make any other changes that strike my fancy in the moment. The idea isn't to limit my creativity, but rather to help me sharpen up some of my ramblings. I like to color both inside and outside the lines.

Here are my planned themes:
MONDAY: Summary of the previous week (I have already started this. In addition, once I resume racing, I will probably post race reports on Mondays as well.)
TUESDAY: Tuesday Tips (I've tried this feature before and appreciated the helpful feedback I received. This time I will occasionally give tips of my own in addition to asking for advice.)
WEDNESDAY: Wordless/Wordy Wednesdays (Bloggers have been using the Wordless Wednesday theme for years, and I think it's pretty cool. It will be a challenge for me, as I'm much better expressing myself with LOTS AND LOTS OF WORDS (shocking, I know) than with little to none. I'm not sure if I'll be any good at taking and posting the pictures, but I will do my best. And since it will probably make me a little twitchy trying to express myself without words, I'll post the occasional WORDY post to balance it all out. Anytime I find that I have a whole lot to say on a topic, I'll save that post for a Wednesday.)
THURSDAY: Inspiration of the Week (Here I will share quotes, songs, stories, people, etc. that inspire me. These might end up being the most interesting posts of all, because they will rarely be about me. ;-) )
FRIDAY: Funny/Food/Five Things (I'm a little indecisive about what I want to post on Fridays, but I know it needs to be entertaining. No one wants to read boring or serious stuff while they're watching the clock and getting psyched up to start the weekend!! I love to eat and I love to laugh, so it makes sense to include both of those general ideas on Fridays. I also like the idea of posting fun lists of five things...and those five things could overlap with the food, the funny stuff, or any of the other categories I cover. Or really any random topic at all. The sky's the limit! This is the theme I am both most excited and most doubtful about. Though I love to read little lists, I'm not sure if I'll be clever enough to come up with good ones of my own. If not, then I guess be on the lookout for even more jokes and recipes.)
SATURDAY: Saturday Shopper (Just like Tuesday Tips, I've tried this feature before and appreciated the feedback, so I'll introduce it again, and this time add some of my own suggestions in addition to asking for recommendations.)
SUNDAY: Spirituality (Don't worry, this isn't going to morph from a fitness blog into a religion blog. In fact, most of the time I will probably take Sunday off from blogging...you know, day of rest and all that. But I do consider my spiritual health to be just as important, if not more so, than my physical, emotional, and mental health, so to the extent that I have any faith-based thoughts to share, I will publish those posts on Sundays.)

As always, I appreciate your comments and welcome your questions. Though I write primarily for myself, the whole point of making it public is to connect with other people who might relate to me in some way. If any of this new structure fails to resonate with my readers, I'd like to know so I can determine whether it's worthwhile to continue. And on the flip side, if any particular feature is incredibly popular with you, I might try to focus more of my energy in that area. So please keep me posted on what you like or don't like! Thanks!

Pearly Whites (Tuesday Tips: Preventive Care)

As part of my "big picture" approach to health, I'm patting myself on the back for going to the dentist this morning.

Most people probably think going to the dentist is no big deal, but not too long ago I actually went nine whole years without going!! I never did like the experience much, and didn't know how to go about finding a dentist once I moved to the DC area, so I just...didn't go. Oops?

What finally motivated me to start getting my teeth cleaned again was parenthood. We had started taking the kids to the dentist regularly, and I felt like a giant hypocrite insisting that they endure something I was unwilling to endure myself. So I discovered a very friendly dentist who is an active member of our church community, and got my dental health back on track. Luckily my years away hadn't done any damage. I did have to get some old fillings replaced (and will need to replace them all eventually), but otherwise my teeth have been in great shape. I missed one dental appointment last summer when my baby was still new and working around his eating/sleeping schedule was next-to-impossible, but today I resumed my twice-yearly appointments.

Now that my teeth have been taken care of for the time being, I can move on to several other appointments I'd like to make this year in order to improve or maintain my health. I need to find a general practioner I can go to for ordinary ailments (like if I were to get bronchitis again or something), and I also really need to see a dermatologist. I want to be more proactive about various types of preventive care, in the hopes of avoiding treatments in the future!

What types of preventive care do you do or recommend?

Bad Two, Good Two (Weekly Summary)

Weight: 221 lbs.
Weekly Change: +2
Overall Change: +2
Next goal weight: 214
BMI: 31.7 (obese) (using this calculator)
Waist Circumference: 39.25 inches
Disease Risk: Very High (according to this chart)
Jeans Size: 20
Total Workouts: 2
Total Running Time: N/A
Total Running Distance: N/A
Longest Single Run: N/A
Progress on Training Plan(s): I've done 2 days of Week 1 of this Couch to 5K program .
Total Flights of Stairs: 72
Status of Busted Toe: Still healing very slowly. I'm paranoid that the huge broken section will catch on something and rip completely off. *shudder* (not much change from last week)
Last Week's Goal(s): Success! I did my minimum of one workout, and then doubled my goal by doing a second workout! And I increased my flights of stairs by 27, which is quite a bit more than 5. Of course, that was pretty easy to do since the first week of the stair challenge was not a full seven days!
Next Event Goal: As I mentioned last week, I'm not selecting a particular event until I'm ready, so my current vague goal is just to be in 5K shape by this summer.
Next Week's Goals: After successfully completing two workouts in a week, I'm tempted to get ambitious and shoot for three this time, but I'm going to exercise a little self-restraint. I need to be building confidence by setting and achieving small goals, and build slowly from there. So this week my goal will be simply to match last week's two workouts (though one of them should be running, busted toe permitting). My stair challenge goal will be to add 8 more flights for a nice, round 80. A third goal I'd like to add is to keep the momentum going with this blog. I've started posting more and I love it! Even though I haven't been getting much feedback, writing frequently is still helpful to me because it keeps health and fitness issues on my mind. I'm more likely to make an effort at good habits if I'm thinking about them, so I'm forcing myself to stay mindful by writing! I have a lot of ideas for more topics to cover and features to try out, and I don't want to get too distracted by March Madness!! I need to spend at least as much time blogging this week as I do filling out and following my brackets. :)

Analysis: Yes, I gained 2 lbs this week, but I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm pretty sure it's just temporary bloat and not a true gain, so I'm not going to worry about it unless/until the extra weight is still there at the end of this week as well. Meanwhile, I'm going to focus on the more important "2" from last week, which is the number of workouts! I'm proud of myself for getting moving, and hoping these were the first steps of a long journey and not just another false start! One source of motivation right now is the gorgeous early spring weather -- the warm air and sunshine make me want to get outside and be active! Yesterday I tossed my 3-year-old in the stroller and went for a brisk walk outside, and it felt amazing! I'm not sure I would have been as driven to hop on the treadmill...

What I Kneed

Runner's World Magazine posted this funny photo on Facebook this week. It really struck a nerve with me (hardy har har), because I'd already been thinking of posting about my poor knees. I only wish I were feeling the aches of distance running! Instead, my knees are just suffering from having way too much weight on them.

The American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons has done tests on how obesity negatively affects the knees. Most of those tests were done on the "morbidly" obese (BMI greater than 45), and I don't fall into that category. However, simple logic tells me that ANY extra weight on a joint is going to cause extra strain on that joint as well.

Right now, my knees don't bother me when I just walk around. I've only noticed pain lately because I've been going up and down stairs more, and THAT is when they hurt. It's not a severe pain, but rather a frequent reminder that there is work to be done. I'd like to be climbing stairs with ease well into old age. In order to have healthy knees then, I need to take care of them now.

The good news is that the journey has begun once again -- I got on the treadmill last night! Maybe I can break out of the vicious cycle of laziness, and start a new, more benevolent cycle, wherein the stair climbing reminds me that I need to walk/run, and the walking/running leads to weight loss and stronger knees, in turn leading to easier trips up and down the stairs. Doesn't that sound nice?

Destination Unknown

Right now, thousands of people are registering to run the Marine Corps Marathon this coming October. I envy them -- not because I want to run a marathon myself, but because I wish I had enough confidence in myself to know what I should be capable of accomplishing by the fall.

When I started running again in August, I assumed that I was on a one-way road to fitness again, and that surely I'd be in racing form sometime before winter hit. I hadn't picked out a specific race, but I did have a few in mind, and became increasingly discouraged as each one came and went without my participation. You see, even though I started running, I didn't manage to keep running, which is sort of essential to the whole "being in shape to race" thing.

Once I was ready to put my false start behind me and begin moving forward again, I decided that even though the fall was a bust, SURELY I'd be ready to race by the SPRING. That sounds perfectly reasonable, right? I even had a dream race all picked out! In a few weeks, that race will be run...without me. To say I'm disappointed about failing to meet this particular goal would be an understatement.

Now, it's possible my busted toe would have derailed my training for the Bridge Run anyway. And it was also possible all along that I might not have been able to afford the trip. Plus, dwelling on the disappointment is not going to help me meet any future goals. So once again I am putting a temporary failure behind me in order to move forward to my next success, but I'm taking a lesson with me as well.

From now on, until I have overcome all my issues with scheduling and energy and motivation, and have actually resumed running at least three times per week, I'm not going to focus on any particular event goal. Everything I'm aiming for will be conditional and vague. I trust that I will know when I am truly ready to commit to firmer goals.

So here is what I'm looking at in the big picture: IF I'm running consistently by the end of spring, THEN I hope to be able to complete a 5K sometime this summer. IF I complete a 5K this summer, THEN I hope to tackle a 10K in the fall or early winter. And IF I manage to resume swimming and start cycling sometime in the first half of the year, THEN I might attempt a sprint tri in early fall, but let's be real -- it probably won't happen until next spring.

As soon as I'm confident enough to make any of those goals more specific, you will be the first to know!

{Oh, and naturally if a miracle occurs and I make much faster progress than I'm expecting, I'm open to moving this whole timeline up. But, you know, pigs will be flying and the Mayans will be proven right, etc...}

Second Verse, Same as the First (Weekly summary)

Weight: 219 lbs.
Weekly Change: None
Overall Change: None
Next goal weight: 214
BMI: 31.4 (obese) (using this calculator)
Waist Circumference: 39 inches
Disease Risk: Very High (according to this chart)
Jeans Size: 20
Total Workouts: 0
Total Running Time: 0
Total Running Distance: 0
Longest Single Run: N/A
Progress on Training Plan(s): Still trying to start this Couch to 5K program again.
Total Flights of Stairs: 45
Status of Busted Toe: Still healing very slowly. I'm paranoid that the huge broken section will catch on something and rip completely off. *shudder*
Last Week's Goal(s): Well I only had one goal (to do one walking workout), and I didn't meet it, so I didn't get off to the best start. However, participating in the Take the Stairs Challenge definitely helped me get moving more when I'm not fully engaged in a workout. I've already started taking extra trips up and down the stairs in my home!
Next Event Goal: None yet, though my post about goals should be coming this week!
Next Week's Goals: If at first you don't succeed, yadda yadda. My goal for this week once again will be to do JUST ONE walking workout. I'd love to do more, but I will be satisfied with one. My secondary goal will be to walk 5 more flights of stairs than last week. I would aim for a bigger increase than that, but I'm not yet sure what is reasonable to expect.

Analysis: I'm a little surprised that I didn't meet my goal for the week, because I felt pretty motivated and excited about getting started. I lost track of how many times I almost squeezed in a walk, before getting distracted by a child or another urgent task. On the bright side, I got a lot of other important things accomplished last week (like registering my kids for the next school year, and filing our taxes), so it wasn't simply laziness that kept me from exercising. Life is always full of responsibilities, and parenting is all about meeting other people's pressing needs. My natural inclination is to sacrifice myself for the people who depend on me, and I won't be ashamed of that because I believe it's what I should do. However, I do need to work on not completely neglecting myself either. After all, I'm no good to my family if I am not healthy enough to take care of them properly! So my challenge, as always, is making my health a higher priority than it usually is.

Step by Step

In the battle of April vs. Inertia, this week I have launched an assault that hopefully will get some momentum building on my side. I've decided to participate in a "Take the Stairs Challenge" at work, in which I will log the number of flights of stairs I climb each day. This will make me eligible to win prizes and such, but the prize I'm really aiming for is a new state of mind.

During my typical work day, I don't really go anywhere, so I'm trying to park on a different floor in the garage to add some more stairs there, and I might skip the elevator to my office in the mornings too. Today I actually left the building briefly at lunch time, and managed to rack up MANY more flights than usual, and boy did I feel the burn (in my lungs more than in my legs). That's definitely atypical for me though.

The place I plan to make the most changes is at home. I live on a three-level house, but do most of my living on the main level. The upstairs is where my two oldest kids sleep, and the basement holds the playroom and my neglected treadmill. I've gotten into the lazy habit of only going up or down the stairs if I absolutely have to. It's a habit I legitimately developed while I was hugely pregnant, and legitimately continued while I was recovering from my c-section, but now have no legitimate excuse to continue any further. I need to get in the healthier habit of GETTING OFF MY ASS, if you'll pardon my crassness.

I figure if I force myself to take several extra trips upstairs or down to the basement each day while I'm participating in this challenge, I can shift my state of mind from indulging the sedentary lifestyle to embracing the more active one. In my experience, exercise begets more exercise, so the more I'm moving all around my house, the more I'll want to keep doing so. And if I'm going down to the basement anyway, I might as well hop on the treadmill for a bit while I'm there, right?

Busted!

Today is your lucky day. I was planning to post pictures of my nasty mangled toe, but I decided it was too cruel to do to you kind folks who endure my pointless ramblings and provide me with so much encouragement and support! So thank you, and you're welcome.

You may be wondering what mangled toe I'm talking about. It's my left big toe, and it's the reason I haven't even attempted to run in the past month. The scary thing is that I don't even know when or how it happened!

When you're as klutzy as I am, it's not uncommon to notice suddenly bruises that you don't recall getting. I'm always tripping over, stepping on, or running into something! Most of these incidents don't even register in my brain unless/until an injury later appears. This one is a new low for me, though, because my toe is busted up pretty badly, so I must have banged it hard. It had to have hurt, seriously. But I didn't notice it until I woke up in the middle of the night with a crying baby. As I rocked him, it dawned on me that my toe was throbbing pretty intensely. I thought that was weird, but ignored the pain as best I could until I was asleep again.

The next morning, I took off my sock to identify the problem, and was surprised to see that my toenail was broken more than halfway across the middle, with some discoloration (bleeding?) underneath the bottom half of the nail. Um, ew. As far as busted toes go, it's not that bad (just google "busted toe" and you'll see how nasty this particular ailment can get!), but I'm squeamish enough that this is totally gross to me. I've tried to keep socks on 24/7 (except in the shower) while it heals so I don't have to look at it!

Healing is indeed happening, but it's happening really slowly. I've been afraid to run because I didn't want to increase pressure in the toe or risk the huge broken part of the nail being ripped off. Yes, I know that marathon runners often injure their toes worse than this and lose their nails in the course of their training or races, and it doesn't stop them. Does this make them better than me? Does it mean I'm a wimp? Yep, it sure does. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I might never take on the challenge of running a marathon precisely because I'm not tough enough to endure injuries like this and keep going. When it comes to blood and guts and pain, I'm a big ol' baby. I know this about myself, and I accept it as my cross to bear. Sometimes I have to tough it out through pain and yucky stuff (like c-section recovery! ick!), but the rest of the time I will avoid it whenever possible.

I hope to be able to attempt a slow jog sometime in the next couple of weeks. My current training program starts out with a few walking workouts, and I will just repeat that first week until the toe is ready to run. The first workout is scheduled for tonight! Here's hoping I still have a toenail by the end of it.

Taking Inventory (Weekly Summary)

It's inventory time here at Might As Well Tri! The first step to holding myself accountable for my choices is taking stock of where I am right now. I've taken pride in owning my number before, and even though I'm not proud of my current stats, I can't hide from them either. So here goes!

Weight: 219 lbs.
Weekly Change: N/A
Overall Change: N/A, though I've gained 12 lbs post pregnancy, leaving me only 5 lbs below my highest pregnancy weight. :-(
Next goal weight: 214 (because getting started is so hard, and the first 5 pounds lost should be celebrated!)
BMI: 31.4 (obese) (using this calculator)
Waist Circumference: 39 inches
Disease Risk: Very High (according to this chart)
Jeans Size: 20
Total Workouts: 0
Total Running Time: 0
Total Running Distance: 0
Longest Single Run: N/A
Progress on Training Plan(s): Getting ready to start this Couch to 5K program again. Once I've made some progress, I'll decide whether to stick with this program or change to another one.
Next Event Goal: I'm not going to choose a specific event yet, because I still have a long way to go as far as just making regular exercise part of my routine. When I'm ready to select an event, I'll start with a 5K and figure the rest out from there. I plan to write a whole post about my goals very soon.
Next Week's Goals: Since I'm basically starting from the beginning all over again, my only real goal for this week is to do something, anything more than I've been doing! Just one workout will suffice. I'm aiming for a short treadmill walk on Tuesday or Wednesday night.

By way of comparison, my lowest pre-baby weight this time around was 184 lbs, which made my BMI 26.4 (overweight). My size 16 jeans were baggy and I was thinking about trying to squeeze into the 14's sometime soon. I was running at least 3x per week and completed my first 10K just after finding out I was pregnant. So I undid a lot of hard work, not just during my pregnancy but also in the eight sedentary months since.

I'm definitely frustrated with myself for letting all this happen. Once upon a time, I was incredibly motivated to get right back into running as soon as I could, and I'm disappointed that I didn't make it happen. And I also did the main thing I did NOT want to do, which was gain weight back again after the baby was born. But I'm sticking to my New Year's Resolution and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm just going to make it right, starting NOW!

Accountability

Lots of talk and very little action -- that would describe accurately my efforts in the fitness department ever since my baby was born. I'd like to change that, but I think I need to start holding myself accountable for my choices if I'm going to have any success.

In the past I have shunned paying too much attention to numbers and quantifiable measures of progress. As I've told you before, I'm a person who goes to extremes, so if I start looking too closely at numbers, the danger is that I will soon begin to OBSESS over those numbers. I don't want to become that myopic about my health and lose sight of the big picture. But with my personality, trying not to obsess over numbers leads to the opposite extreme of ignoring them completely. I make a zillion excuses for why my weight is so high and my pants are so large and I exercise approximately zero times per week.

When I'm not being way too hard on myself, I'm being WAY TOO EASY on myself instead.

Until I get my bad habits under control and re-introduce self-discipline to my life, I'm going to have to monitor my progress in quantifiable ways. I enjoyed doing weekly updates during and just after pregnancy, so I'm going to try that again. On Sunday nights or Monday mornings, I will post a quick summary of my stats, including my weight and any loss/gain, my jeans size (the horror!), number of workouts, total running time/distance, longest run, and progress on whatever training program I'm using. Can you think of anything else I should monitor? Maybe my waist measurement, since that number can be a good indicator of risk for Type 2 Diabetes? I could also include how much sleep I get, since I need to work on consistently getting a healthy amount. All feedback is welcome!

My promise to myself is that I will use all of this information to motivate me to stop making excuses and make progress instead. I will NOT use it to berate myself over every little shortcoming and failure. I'm determined to find a happy medium here, and hold myself accountable without going to extremes!

The Lent Diet

Have you ever noticed how many people, women especially, give up some sort of junk food for Lent? I suspect for many of us our goal is physical as much as it is spiritual. We're supposed to give something up, so why not choose something we know we need to cut back on anyway, and then hope to shed a few pounds in the process? It's win-win, right?

Except, in my experience, the "Lent Diet" is often lose-lose instead, and what is lost is not always weight. The (many) times that I have tried this approach to Lent, the healthier eating was never established as a permanent habit. I'd either replace one sort of junk food with another (I gave up french fries, so I'll just eat TWO cheeseburgers instead! I can't eat chocolate, so I'll just switch to vanilla ice cream or cake instead!), or go on a rampage of overindulgence again as soon as the period of deprivation was over.

So I usually failed at Lent all around, losing zero weight and gaining zero spiritual fulfillment. A sacrifice that is selfish in nature is no sacrifice at all. As long as I was thinking mostly about how the "Lent Diet" would benefit ME, I wasn't giving any part of myself to God, or connecting my experience to the suffering and death of Jesus. I had it all wrong, and once I realized that, I stopped doing the "Lent Diet" completely. In recent years, though I've continued to give up food items some years, I've tried to stay focused on the meaning behind my sacrifice, that it's about HIM and not me.

PLEASE NOTE: I'm not saying this makes me a better person or a better Catholic than anyone else. Faith is not a competition. Only God is keeping score, and it's possible for everyone to win. :)

What I'm saying here is that once upon a time, I used Lent as a way to jump-start the diet that I already wanted to do. Then I reached a point in life where I wanted Lent to be a truly spiritual experience, and stopped using it for personal gain. And I'm bringing it all up today because this year I've decided to reinvent the Lent Diet!

See, I've realized that the desire to lose weight and get fit and healthy is not necessarily selfish. It certainly can be, if all we really want is to be cute and have people tell us how awesome and attractive we are. But there many unselfish reasons for wanting to be healthy, including being able to take care of our families, and also simply appreciating the gift of life and respecting the bodies that God has given us!

To that end, I'm going to use Lent this year to start ridding myself once again of some of my unhealthy habits. I'm starting with late night desserts, a bad habit I've been indulging in for over a year now. I eat dinner around 6pm with my family, and then stay up until midnight or later, so I'm usually hungry for a snack around 9 or 10pm. From now on, if I have to eat something after 9pm, it will be a small portion of something healthy. I don't expect this one small change to cause the pounds to start dropping off or anything like that. What I hope to gain from this sacrifice is a gradual change in my attitude toward food. I want to stop using sweets as a way of coping with stress or tiredness, and start being more mindful of my diet overall. If I start by working on just one of my bad habits, hopefully soon I'll be back on track mentally to really work on improving my health.

I do plan to pray when I am tempted, and remind myself of the greater purpose behind this and every act of self-sacrifice. I also plan to take on one or two other Lenten commitments that are even more spiritual in nature -- I just haven't quite finished figuring them out yet...

Think of me tonight around 10pm as I lick the last bit of buttercream frosting from my fork...then let the Lent Diet begin!

The Fog Has Lifted

Oops! I sure didn't intend to be MIA for more than a month, but I'm bursting back into your lives on a ray of sunshine! I'm thrilled to tell you that the dark clouds of sadness are behind me, and I'm feeling about a million times better than I did in the fall!

The truth is I've been feeling better for a while now, but I didn't want to say anything about it lest I jinx myself. Fear of relapse hung over my head like an aura of impending doom. When I was first coming to grips with what was going on inside my head, I was dreading the holiday season. It's common knowledge that the holidays can be difficult if you're dealing with stress or sadness. I've struggled through the holidays with grief before, and was not looking forward to a similar season of sadness.

Then an amazing thing began to happen -- as I lowered my expectations of holiday joy, and embraced the truest causes for celebration (my faith and my family), I started to feel okay. I didn't feel GREAT...but I felt okay. And I felt a teensy bit more okay each day. As much as I'd wanted to hide from the world when I was at my lowest point, I decided to take a "fake it till you make it" approach, and force myself to go through the motions of everyday life. Surprise! This approach actually worked, and the more I thrust myself into holiday preparations, the more I felt the season's cheer. I had a very merry and blessed Christmas, and I thank God for granting me that grace.

Unfortunately, the fear of relapse still lingered. Even though I embraced the new year with optimism and a very positive resolution, I worried that once the holidays were over, the bleak, dark winter would seep into my psyche and bring me back down. Maybe the mild weather worked in my favor (though I have been longing for a good snow!), because somehow I never did slip back into the darkness! Instead I have continued to gain strength and return to what I would consider a "normal" state of mind.

I still have bad days, and stress, and feel overwhelmed at times, but it all has a very different feel to it than it did last fall. I realize fully how "off" things were then, compared to how much more clear my head is now. There are days when I'm feeling down or grumpy, and all of a sudden I have this moment of clarity where I realize that my thoughts are not completely irrational and I don't feel CRAZY! Then I get so happy about not feeling crazy that I just have to smile, before resuming my perfectly normal bad mood.

Life is good, and I am thankful.

So now it's time to get back on track in all the ways in which I had come undone. This year, in addition to focusing on my highest priorities of faith and family, I will be working on making my finances more stable, my home cleaner, and my life more organized. What I'm doing differently now is tying all of these facets of my life in with my health (instead of making health/fitness its own, lower-priority category). I want to take a more integrated approach to my health, because it's so important, and so interrelated with everything else. When you feel good physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, etc., you are better equipped to handle any curveballs that life throws your way. Meanwhile, it's easier to make your health a priority when you feel confident that other aspects of your life are not spiralling out of control.

From here forward, this blog is going to cover more topics than just exercise or weight loss. I'm still going to talk about those things, but I'm also going to include my thoughts on an array of other subjects. I still want the focus to be health, so I'm not going to start posting a bunch of random junk. Well, it might be junk, but it won't be completely random. ;-) Just don't be surprised to see posts on such topics as teaching kids good nutrition, healthy ways to deal with stress, or how I incorporate prayer into my fitness routine, just to name a few examples off the top of my head. I hope to write much more often, and I'll try to include more pictures and graphics to make the blog more visually interesting. As always, I will welcome your comments and feedback.

Oh yeah....and I'm still aiming for a triathlon, so don't think I've given up my dream! I'll post again soon about my event goals for 2012. I hope to "tri" sometime this year! I might as well, right? :)

Be Good to Yourself

We are moments away from a brand-new year, and so many of us are full of hope for a fresh start. But the truth is there is no magical "reset" button we can push at midnight. Our lives don't automatically change with the changing of the calendar. Despite our hopes and dreams, most of us will wake up on January 1st to the same worries and sorrows that plagued us at the previous year's end.

We all know this dismal truth, yet most of us approach the new year with optimism anyway, hoping that just maybe this will be the year when FINALLY we'll make some changes!

Do you make resolutions? I always do. Mine just keep getting more numerous and detailed each year -- a complex outline of all the ways I'd like to improve myself over the next 12 months. Many of the goals are attainable, but the idea that I can accomplish them all in one year is a little absurd. Hey, it's no secret that I like to punish myself with unrealistic expectations!

This past year I have discovered, painfully, how damaging that habit can be. I have excelled at one thing: being way too hard on myself. I think I'm ready to get off the path of self-destruction and get back on the road to good health (mental and physical), but my map will not be an outline detailing zillions of things that I need to do better. This time I'm starting with a simple resolution, one that I recommend to everyone: BE GOOD TO YOURSELF!!

I think sometimes we try to take care of ourselves but go about it in all the wrong ways. I'm not talking about seeking instant bliss through spending money we don't have on things we don't need, or eating too much of things that are terrible for us, etc. Those happy moments are fleeting and we are left fundamentally no better off than we were before.

The true "good" that we can do for ourselves is showing the same kindness, mercy, and compassion that we try to show others. It's okay to love yourself. Really, it is! It's not selfish or arrogant or conceited to love yourself the way God loves, or the way a mother loves. You can be aware of your shortcomings and strive to do better without hating yourself for being a failure. You and I are not failures. We are imperfect, and also perfectly lovable.

So my challenge to you and to myself for 2012 is just to be good to yourself, all the time, every chance you get. Be your own best friend and biggest fan. Your problems might stay the same, but they'll be a thousand times easier to handle if you are feeling loved and valued. And you might be surprised at everything else you can accomplish if you start with treating yourself right!

A friend once recommended that I listen to Journey to lift my spirits during a rough patch, and in turn I leave you with these lyrics:

"Lookin' back with no regrets
To forgive is to forget
I want a little piece of mind to turn to
Be good to yourself when no one else will
Oh be good to yourself."

Happy New Year!

Burning Cookies Instead of Calories

In the spirit of expanding my definition of "workout," I'm going to ignore the fact that I ran only once last week, and celebrate the fact that I spent all weekend exercising. For nearly two whole days I was on my feet, baking lots of holiday goodies! My heart rate never really went up very high, but my muscles sure are sore today!

Granted, I probably consumed more calories than I burned. After all, each finished product had to be sampled as part of my rigorous quality-control procedures. Some of the ingredients had to be sampled as well, and of course there were beaters to be licked...

Okay, so my kitchen marathon probably did nothing at all to improve my physical health, but it was more active than sitting in front of the television, and it helped me get into the holiday spirit, so I'm counting it as positive in the mental health area. It really did seem to help my mood...yesterday I was tired and overwhelmed by the crazy kids, but I managed to keep my mood in neutral until the end of the day, and even ended on a cheerful note after more baking once the kids were in bed. I call that success!

This week I'm going to make a little more effort to find time for that elusive second run (after accomplishing the first run, that is), and hopefully a few days off work will help with scheduling. If I fail, well then I'll just have to find a way to make wrapping presents into a workout....

Happy Holidays, everyone! :)

Here's Where It Gets Tricky

Hooray for me -- I ran last night! It felt great, physically and emotionally. And I feel optimistic about being able to squeeze in some other workout by the end of the week.

So it's all good, right? WRONG. I was so exhausted after running that by the time the baby finally went down for the night, I was no longer functional and fell asleep with a lengthy to-do list left undone. Today I woke up feeling guilty about getting "nothing" done last night, even though running really should count as "something." That's what I've got to make myself believe -- that taking care of myself is a worthwhile use of my time, as important as many of the other tasks on my seemingly endless lists!!

This is a bad time of year to try to find extra time for something like exercise, but it's also a bad time of year to be miserable, so I have no choice. I don't know how to get it all done. I don't even know if I CAN get it all done. It's time to get pickier about priorities, and make sure my well-being isn't the very lowest one.

I do still feel optimistic about being able to get in another workout this week, but I expect to engage in a mental struggle to postpone some other task in order to do it. If exercise wins that struggle, I hope that I will feel proud of myself instead of guilty!

Too Little

As great as it felt to run last week, it's not going to have the desired effect if I can't keep it up.

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I really don't know any other way. I think I've proven time and again that I'm lousy at cutting myself any slack. If you know the secret of how not to hold oneself to impossible standards, please share it with me!

The truth is I accomplished what I set out to do. I made ONE workout my goal for last week, since that would be one more than any of the previous weeks. I set the bar low, and I achieved my goal. Initially I felt GREAT about it, and even dabbled in a teensy bit of optimism that my plans for feeling better just might work.

Running was such a positive experience that I couldn't wait to repeat it, and hoped to go for another run on Thursday...or Friday...or sometime over the weekend. Unfortunately, life got in the way, as it so often does. My determination has not created magical pockets of free time in my busy schedule...go figure! The fact that it's the holiday season only complicates matters further.

It makes perfect sense that I was unable to squeeze in another run, and yet I've spent the day beating myself up over it anyway. I've been pretty down all day, and at times I found myself blaming it on my lack of running. So now I'm seeing how my plans might backfire on me. When I can't manage to get in a workout, not only am I missing out on all the positive benefits of exercise, but I'm also dealing with yet another reason to feel like a failure. UGH. I don't know the solution. I guess I just have to try harder to find the time, because one run a week is just not going to be enough.

My goal for this week is 2 workouts. Wish me luck.

A Conversation With My Treadmill

Tuesday night, around 9:00pm.

Treadmill (TM): Well HEY, haven't seen you in AGES! You dropped in a few times in September, but other than that I've just been collecting dust down here! Are you back to stay now, or what?

Me: Dude. It hasn't been the easiest few months. But YES, I'm back to stay. No promises you won't collect a teensy bit of dust between visits though. I mean, we do have cats living here, and they shed...

TM: Okay, whatevs, hop on!

Me: Yeah, let's do this!

TM: Oof! Yikes, you might want to lay off the late night desserts, lady.

Me: Shut it. Chocolate helps me cope. I do plan to ease up a bit soon, though. And I mean soon like early 2012. You can't expect me to shun sweets during the friggin' holidays.

TM: Fine, fine. Lucky for you I have a pretty high weight limit. Sooo....you want to walk any faster than that? I'm pretty sure you walked faster than that when you were 8 months pregnant. Just sayin'.

Me: I am WARMING. UP. Sheesh. Who do you think you are, Jillian Michaels?

TM: Hey, somebody's gotta motivate your lazy butt. I kid, I kid! You're doing great!!

Me: *silence, as I am breathing too hard to talk anymore*

TM: So, uh, you've been working pretty hard. That's a lot of running for your first time in a while. Wouldn't you like to walk a bit? Doesn't walking feel good?

Me: *pant* Yes, *pant* walking *pant* feels *pant* good. *pant pant pant* But you know what else feels good? SUCCESS! One more run!!!

After a total of 10 minutes of running, broken up with walk breaks...

TM: You did it! You accomplished your fitness goal for the week! How do you feel?

Me: Tired. Fantastic. Sore. And a teensy bit concerned that I spent my workout carrying on a conversation with a piece of exercise equipment.

TM: Touche. Get some rest. And please come visit me again soon! It's spooky down here in the dark.

Our next visit tentatively schedule for Thursday or Friday night...

Paving the Road to Hell

Despite my best intentions, I have not followed the plan I set out in my last entry. I have made zero progress on my sleep/nutrition/exercise regimen, and I believe I am suffering the consequences.

At first I thought I was getting along pretty well with the other facets of my plan. The prayers were flowing, and I was drawing strength from all the support I received after posting to my blog. I wouldn't say I was feeling good, but I was definitely okay, which was a marked improvement. I guess that improvement wasn't built to last.

The weekend was rough. My 6-year-old son has some serious behavior problems and anger management issues, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to teach him how to handle his emotions when I cannot handle my own! He had a few intense tantrums, but I may have had even more emotional meltdowns than he did, and some of them were not even triggered by anything major. I just can't cope with anything anymore! When the kids get noisy, I tense up, and the mess in my house makes me feel like I'm suffocating. Am I losing my mind???

Lately I have found myself wishing that I had never had kids at all. Isn't that an awful thing to think? I'm not going to go all Andrea Yates on my boys...I do love them and I would never purposely hurt them. But I feel like I'm not cut out for this motherhood thing and maybe it was all a huge mistake. My kids deserve better than what I'm capable of giving them right now.

I need to try harder to get my head on straight, but I just don't have the energy. I wish I could sleep for about a week and then wake up completely re-energized and ready to tackle all my problems!!!! Since that is not an option, all I can do is just try to get through one day at a time. I really don't know when or even if things will ever get better. I'm feeling really pessimistic today. I think I'll blame it on the clouds. Gloomy weather just makes me more gloomy as well.

Okay, I need an action plan so I can feel like I'm doing something rather than just sitting here hating the world and feeling sorry for myself. My goal is to go for a run (well, a walk/run) tomorrow evening after the kids are in bed. I will hand the baby off to my husband and head down to the treadmill for at least 30 minutes of taking care of ME. I'll let you know whether it helps!

Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues

Hi. How are you today? I haven't cried, or thought about running away, so today is a good day. So far.

I haven't exactly been myself lately, and that is why you haven't heard from me here. I haven't been running. I haven't even been trying. Instead I have been drowning in my own life, feeling like I'm failing at everything, completely overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, weepy, grumpy (and apparently heading up my own crew of Dwarves, though I assure you "Happy" isn't one of them). I guess you could say I've hit a rough patch.

Dr. Google seems to think I have many of the symptoms of postpartum depression, but I would not go so far as to diagnose myself. Obviously I'm not qualified to, not being a mental health professional and all. I keep coming up with good reasons why I'm not really depressed (I am still bonding well with my baby! I don't cry EVERY day! I still laugh sometimes!) Also, I'm just not sure if all of this is coming from inside of me, or if it's caused by external factors. I've been under a lot of stress lately, and I cannot tell if the stress is making me fall apart, or if the mess inside my head is making me unable to cope with and resolve the stress. Chicken or egg, right?

All I know for certain is that I have been very unhappy, and in a way that has felt out of control. It really feels like I've been losing my mind. I'm naturally a pretty cheerful person, so this is totally out of character for me. Many people in my shoes would probably see a doctor, but I'm not quite at that place yet. Part of me is holding onto the hope that maybe this is one of those things that "too shall pass," as "they" like to say. Plus there is just something sort of scary and embarrassing about having to ask for help...even writing here is uncomfortable, and if you mention it to my face, I just might die on the spot. (apologies for melodrama)

So why am I sharing this if it's so uncomfortable? Well, I know I need to reach out somehow. Even if I don't have PPD, chances are any mental health professional would suggest that I talk to someone, seek out some support. I also would probably be advised to try getting the right amount of sleep, eating healthy foods, and exercising!!! This is where the blog comes in. I really really miss ME, and I'd like to feel like myself again. I'm going to try a self-prescribed regimen of prayer, the sleep/nutrition/exercise combo, and sharing my feelings here in cyberspace with anyone who cares to read and/or respond. I really hope this will be enough to "fix" whatever is wrong with me.

Please know that I am NOT a danger to my kids or myself, and should my thoughts ever get that dark, I promise to seek professional help immediately. I'm a little nuts right now, but I'm not THAT crazy.

About the exercise thing....yeah, as life has overwhelmed me, running kept getting pushed lower on my list of priorities. When I was doing it for fun and for my physical health, it seemed less important than all the other pressing demands on my time and energy. Now things have changed, and I need to run for my MENTAL health! If I can't get myself back on track, then I can't function the way I need to, and the way my family needs me to. So now running will be one of my top priorities! (I'm going to make an effort in the sleep and nutrition departments too, but I anticipate much more success with the running...) I'm not focusing on any particular race goals -- for right now, my goal is just to make the time to exercise as often as possible and necessary to help me feel better! It's all about the endorphins!! I will re-evaluate all other fitness goals once I'm not a stark-raving lunatic anymore. :)

If you prefer to read about running and racing and have no interest in what's going on in my head, you may want to take some time off from my blog. Pop back in sometime in early 2012 and hopefully I'll be back to normal by then. But if you don't mind providing me with a bit of free therapy, please stick around and let's talk me through this! Just, you know, remember to keep the conversation here online, so I don't have to die of embarrassment if/when we see each other...

The Baby Ate My Workout

Yes, I am still alive, and yes, I am still trying to get fit, even though I haven't run in over a week. I have just been busy, and fighting off a cold, and [insert various other excuses here]. I know I need to try harder, but as long as I'm still breastfeeding, my schedule has little to no wiggle room. There is no white flag being raised -- I am not giving up! I'm just not winning every battle in this war right now. Please bear with me, and I promise you will see exciting things from me in the future!

And You? {Exercise Time}

Today I'm launching a fun new feature for readers of my blog. It's similar to some features I tried early on where I asked for advice on various topics or products. This time I'm again looking for feedback, but instead of asking what you think I should do, I'm just asking what YOU do. You can share as much or as little as you want, but please respond! I think it will be fun to learn about each other's habits!

The first topic is scheduling: What time of day do you normally exercise, and why?

Right now my only real option is evenings. I'd prefer to do early mornings, but as long as I'm breastfeeding my baby and working full time, I just don't have any wiggle room on weekday mornings. I try to hit the treadmill between the usual two evening feedings, if bedtime for the other kids has gone smoothly and my husband is around so I can hand the baby off to him for a bit. On the weekends, I'm trying to get outside at least once for a daytime run. Our weekend schedules will vary, so those will probably be at different times every week.

And you?

Double? No Trouble!

Given how slowly I've had to progress with running in the past, I thought that the jump from three minutes to six minutes might be rather challenging. I fully expected to have to walk a minute or two in the middle, but instead I was able to run the full six minutes on my first attempt!

This is not earth-shattering news, and I know I still have a very long way to go. I will celebrate this small victory nonetheless, because it has given me a boost of confidence. I need all the little wins I can get, because each one pushes me forward just enough to keep my momentum going, even when I am exhausted or go several days without having the time to exercise.

It is fun to meet my goals and expectations, but even more fun to surpass them, even on a small scale like this. Sometimes I disappoint myself, but other times I surprise myself in a good way. The latter makes up for the former. And now I can't wait to run my six minutes again!

My Other 9/11 Anniversary

Sunday was a significant day for our country, as we looked back 10 years, mourned the fallen, and reflected on how far we've come since the terror attacks on NY and DC. As someone who was in DC on 9/11/01 and who still lives in the metro area, I certainly did my share of remembering, but my thoughts quickly jumped from 10 years ago to one year ago, when I ran my very first 5K race.

Last year, I shared a little about why I chose that particular race, but I didn't really follow up on those initial thoughts. I had attached some emotional goals to the event, but then got distracted when the race didn't go as planned.

Now, a year later, I have suddenly realized that the race was a turning point for me after all. Somehow 9/11 no longer has the hold on my psyche that it once did. I can honestly say I'm not afraid anymore. When I think back on that awful day and all the innocent victims, I still feel overwhelming sadness, but it's sadness I can handle. I know grief. Grief and I have become well-acquainted, and I'm learning how not to lose myself in that relationship. But the fear...the fear was once the most crippling effect of 9/11, at least for me. Inititally it was intense fear of another terror attack, but over the years it branched out into fear of all other threats of bodily harm, and fear of emotional harm as well, including but not limited to the fear of failure. And now it has released its chokehold on me, and I have run away, finally free.

I left fear on the street in front of the Pentagon last year, and unfortunately picked up disappointment and self-loathing in its place. Oddly enough, there is a positive side to that trade-off, in that my new negative buddies were by-products of a very positive journey. I hemmed and hawed and moaned and groused and read lots of encouraging advice from people wiser than myself. Then I told those naysaying voices in my head to kindly STFU while I laced up my shoes and hit the pavement once more.

Since then, I've completed a 5K without walking, AND a 10K without walking. I ran another 5K while battling morning sickness, and continued to run well into my pregnancy. I had looked failure in the eyes and discovered that it wasn't so scary after all. Coming back from a rotten first race experience taught me lessons I continue to draw from now, while getting back into running is proving difficult to achieve.

September 11, 2011 was a milestone anniversary for our country, but September 11, 2010 turned out to be a huge turning point in my life, even though it took me a year to realize it.

I will never forget 9/11.

I will continue to run, and I will not be afraid.

Let's roll.

The Kind with the Gooey Center

My core is as mushy as a chocolate candy with creme inside! Hmmm...maybe a jelly doughnut is actually a better comparison, since let's face it -- my outer layer is just as squishy as my core.

When I started running again after my stress fracture, I had been swimming for months, and I'm starting to feel the difference that activity made in my life. Swimming works completely different muscles and requires a different method of breathing than running, so one doesn't directly affect the other. However, by helping build a stronger core, swimming makes just about any other exercise a little easier.

This may be a purely psychological issue, but I feel like swimming is not really compatible with breastfeeding. And the pool's hours certainly are not compatible with my baby's eating schedule (to say nothing of my work schedule on top of that!). Chances are I won't get back in the pool until my nursing days are done.

Know what that means? I need to do some other cross-training, STAT! So my goal for this week will be to do some yoga or one of my random fitness DVD's on my non-running days, to try to start rebuilding my mushy core so it can support me better when I run.

Hey, speaking of goals, I set a goal last night (to get out and run once this weekend), and I have already accomplished it! Yay!! So maybe my center is just gooey because it's full of AWESOMESAUCE!!

Less is More?

Last night, more than a week after my first run, I ran again! Yay! And it hurt again! Boo! But not as much as last time! Yay!

My training plan calls for 3 runs per week. My life seems to want to allow me only 1 run per week. I've been out of school for a long time and my memory of math is fuzzy, but I think 1<3.

HOWEVER, I'm also pretty sure that 1>0. So I could look at this a couple of ways: either I'm a -2 failure, or a +1 success!! I think I'll go with the positive number there. Positive number = positive attitude, right?

Of course, objectively speaking, 1 workout with just 3 minutes of running = not very much running. I'd really like to be running much MORE, so while I'm not ashamed of my progress so far, I'm not satisfied with it either. My next small goal is to get in one run over the weekend, bringing this week's total to a whopping 2!! And then I will celebrate with cake.

Aftershock

Hey neighbors, sorry you took cover in doorways and under furniture when the earth starting shaking beneath you again this afternoon! That was just me, trying to run after nearly five long months of lethargy and cake.

It was a gorgeous day for a run: sunny and warm but breezy and not too humid. My oldest son was off at his first day of first grade, and the baby had recovered from his 2-month vaccinations and resumed his sunny disposition. There was peace in my house...the stars had aligned....the time to run had arrived.

As I started my long warm-up walk, I knew right away by the way my legs felt that running would be hard. Exactly how hard would come as a surprise.

Shifting from a walk to a slow jog felt like trying to carry an elephant up a hill. I felt like I weighed 800 lbs and had not a single functioning muscle group. There was pain in places that I'm sure are not supposed to hurt while running, and I was 99% certain I was having a heart attack. And forget about breathing! Apparently I picked up a pack-a-day smoking habit when I wasn't looking, or so my lungs would have me believe. I thought I ran slow before, but today I think I was passed by a little old lady with a walker. Well, I can't be totally sure, since my eyes were fixed firmly on my feet -- seeing them was the only way to be certain they were still moving. I was stunned by how awful it felt, and in my typical dramatic fashion jumped right to wondering whether I could even do this anymore...

And then suddenly it was over! I had completed the intended three minutes. I didn't die, or even pass out. And I could still walk home when I was done. So, forget I said anything about how much it sucked. I ran today, and it felt A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I'm back. :)

False Start

How did I manage to screw up already, after only one week? I certainly expected to fall behind in my training plan (which is why I built in several weeks in the middle that are overlap and can be skipped), but I didn't expect it to happen immediately. I actually thought the first few weeks would be the easiest to keep on track because I'm not back at work yet so I have more time in which to squeeze a workout...theoretically.

The first three workouts were just walks, and I found the time for them no problem. Then the fourth workout was supposed to be my first run, and despite being excited about it, somehow in the past week I have been unable to make it happen! I don't want to make excuses, but part of the problem is breastfeeding -- it makes it difficult for me to get just about anything done other than goofing off on the internet (I am rocking Farmville these days, let me tell you...). Maybe other nursing moms are just better at fitting tasks between feedings, but I find BF'ing to be inconvenient and a real pain in the rear. Often after a long day of getting nothing done other than feeding and holding the baby, I wonder if it's really worth it...but I usually decide it is. Usually.

This week was also a bit bizarre in that there was an earthquake and a hurricane, neither of which is normal for this area, but if I'm being honest with myself, I won't use those as excuses. The earthquake didn't affect my schedule at all, and the hurricane really shouldn't have. "We" were busy with preparations for the storm, but my husband really did all of the work. And the storm itself wasn't too awful here -- we didn't even lose power, so at the very least I should have been able to get my butt onto the treadmill today. Alas, I did not.

Whether I have any legitimate excuses or not, I missed a week of workouts and am wondering whether I should push on forward from here, or just start over. If I can make that run happen tomorrow, then pushing forward makes sense. If two more days slip past...or three...or more...maybe it will be time to start back over from just the walks again. At least then making a fresh start might give me some psychological motivation and momentum to get going! Maybe. I also go back to working full time a week from Tuesday, and that is when I REALLY will start to come apart at the seams. You'll see. More on that later.

Hospital Bed to 10K

Before I get into the substance of today's topic, I want to point out that this is my actual 100th blog post!! Woohoo!! If any of you have read every single entry so far, I thank you for your support, but also doubt your sanity. ;-) A lot has happened in my world since this blog began, and I can't wait to see what the next 100 posts will cover!

One topic that I certainly will write a lot about is my new training plan! I call it my "Hospital Bed to 10K" plan, because I have decided to focus my entire post-surgery return to fitness on one major goal. I have scrapped all plans for fall races because I know I won't be ready for any of them and I don't want to set myself up for failure. Winter races are still possible (to the extent that they exist around here), but I will wait and see how I'm progressing before I set my sights on any particular events.

To allow myself plenty of time to ease back into running while juggling the demands of working motherhood, I have selected a spring race as my ultimate goal. It's the Cooper River Bridge Run down in my hometown of Charleston, SC, and I have always wanted to do it. I walked it once in college, and I was supposed to run it this year with my sister, but my pregnancy interfered. There will be no more excuses -- in 2012 I will finally "Get Over It" and run the bridge!

My HB210K plan is a little more drawn out than your average Couch 2 5K plan, since I have 7 months to prepare. I didn't think I could find a single 10K training plan stretched out that long, so I've pieced together three different plans. I am starting with the "Aggressive Couch to 5K Program" from the Beginner Triathlete website, which is the program I followed to get back into running after my stress fracture last year. After the first 5 weeks of that program, I will switch to Jeff Galloway's 5K and 10K training plans. I followed some of Galloway's plan last year while training for my first 10K, and it worked out pretty well. There is some overlap between the 5K and 10K programs, so if things do not go well for whatever reason, I have those extra weeks built in there that I can skip and still stay on track to be ready by March 31st.

Having a plan has energized and motivated me; it is great to have something positive to focus on instead of thinking about how I'm not living up to my silly unrealistic expectations for post-baby fitness so far. Now I can mark my progress, however slow it is, towards achieving a major goal and making a longtime dream come true! Once I cross that finish line in Marion Square, I'm sure I will no longer care about how this pregnancy affected my body and fitness. Bridge Run, here I come! Who wants to join me?

6 Weeks PP - Phase One Complete!!

Workouts this week: 0
Most Strenuous Workout: Just normal activity
Weight: 207 lbs
Total pregnancy weight lost: 16 lbs
Pregnancy weight left to lose: 23 lbs

It's official -- I have completely recovered from my c-section! My 6-week-postpartum check-up went well today, and all restrictions have been lifted. This means I am cleared to resume any form of exercise I choose! Yippie!!

Driving home from the doctor, I sang along with the radio while imagining running to those upbeat tunes. I'm feeling really pumped up about getting back on track and setting my new goals and everything! Nothing has really changed with my amounts of energy and free time, though, so I'm prepared to take it slow and not be too hard on myself. I have started working on my plans, and will be excited to share them soon!

Looking back over the past 6 weeks, I'm a little disappointed that I didn't start walking regularly as soon as the pain subsided enough. At the same time, I'm pleased that I didn't gain back any weight after my initial loss. I still have 23 pounds of pregnancy weight to lose before I'll be back where I started. Hopefully those pounds will come off fairly quickly once I'm exercising.

It also is time for me to rein in my permissive eating habits. For example, "ten o'clock dessert" has to end and be replaced with a small, healthy late night snack (I have to snack at night because I stay up late). Of course, I won't be cutting out sweets entirely. There will be birthday cake in our house this weekend, and a few weeks later I'll be making a cake for my wedding anniversary. There will always be cake in my life. This is why I run. :)

Thanks to all of you who put up with my whining and complaining throughout pregnancy and recovery. I hope that now things will return to normal, and I will have more to talk about than just hormones or surgery. The weekly updates are over for now, but posts should come more frequently. Be on the lookout for Recovery: Phase Two!!

Flipping the Magical Switch

After last week's post written by Debbie Downer, I figure I owe y'all a little of my more characteristic cheerfulness. I'm feeling rather chipper today because over the past week I have experienced this wonderful phenomenon that now has happened at least twice. With my first two c-sections, the pain faded away probably about a month after the surgery (though I don't remember precisely when).

Last time and now this time, as of 5 weeks postpartum, I was still hurting and popping ibuprofen a couple times a day, wondering when or if I would ever feel better. Then within a matter of days, before I hit the 6-week mark, the pain just vanished as if I had found and flipped the magic "off" switch! Suddenly I feel pretty normal again, sleep deprivation and general exhaustion notwithstanding. Stairs are no problem, and even bending over finally feels okay!! The only movement that really hurts at all right now is rising from a completely horizontal position. In other words, getting up out of bed in the morning is a sharp reminder that my abs are still a little sore. I'm sure even that small ache will disappear soon too.

I don't know what is so special about this week that how I feel changes so drastically from beginning to end of it, but I guess maybe there is a reason doctors schedule the official postpartum checkup for 6 weeks after childbirth. I'd like to declare myself completely healed, but I'll wait until after my OB appointment on Thursday to do the recovery dance of joy. :)

As for Recovery: Phase Two plans, time and energy are still big issues, and I'm definitely rethinking my previous goals. Over the next few days, I'm going to select some specific new goals and develop a realistic training plan, which I will reveal after I've been cleared to resume real exercise. Until then, I'm aiming to go for a couple of 20-30 minute walks around the neighborhood this week, time and weather permitting. Since my goal is two walks, I'll be happy with one. :)

5 Weeks PP - Facing Reality

Workouts this week: 4
Most Strenuous Workout: Walking the length of the mall 2x
Weight: 207 lbs
Total pregnancy weight lost: 16 lbs
Pregnancy weight left to lose: 23 lbs

With only one week remaining in my c-section recovery period, I'm realizing how unrealistic most of my goals and hopes for post-baby fitness are. The problem is no longer pain -- I've gone several days now with no OTC painkillers whatsoever (well, not counting the one dose of Tylenol I took for a headache), and I'm feeling pretty good! Hooray! Despite my expectations, I think I actually recovered faster this time than I did last time!

Now the problems are time and energy. Breastfeeding means I'm literally attached to my baby for a large portion of the day, and just taking care of an infant is exhausting. It has been challenging just to find the time to write this blog post; finding time to go for walks has been nearly impossible. And right now is the easy time! I'm still at home on maternity leave, and the kids are still on summer vacation, and there are few scheduled events putting demands on my time. When I imagine how crazy everything is going to be when I return to work in a month, I just want to cry. I don't really know how I'm going to find time to exercise regularly. I don't even know how I'm going to find time to bathe regularly! I am remembering vividly now why it took me so long to get back to walking/running after baby #3.

Even if I can find a little time a few days per week to get moving, I think my road back to running is going to be a long one. I'm so tired most of the time that I fall asleep when I'm sitting still feeding the baby at all times of day. I don't know when I will have enough energy to move my feet any faster than a slow walk. I'd thought, many months ago, that maybe I would attempt the Arlington 9/11 5K again this year. I figured I'd have to walk at least half of it, but it would be a nice experience to participate without so much pressure on myself to do well, and also in an especially meaningful year (the 10th anniversary of the attacks). The race is just a little over a month away, and somehow I'm doubting I'd even be able to run a mile of it by then. I really thought I'd be racing again in the fall, but now I think I need to erase those thoughts from my head completely and act as though I'm starting all over again from square one. That may be the only way I can ease myself back into running at a pace that is compatible with my current situation.

I'm sorry if the tone of this post is very negative. I think I have to go through these feelings of disappointment and frustration, and almost mourn the loss of how I had hoped things would be, in order to move past it and arrive at a more positive approach to coping with how things actually are. Does that make sense? Soon maybe I will be mapping out a new training plan for myself, and setting realistic, attainable goals, and proceeding with enthusiasm and good cheer. For right now, I'm kicking myself for dreaming too big and setting myself up for this letdown.

I should also include a disclaimer that I'm writing this at nearly 1:00am, when I finally found time and had my hands free for typing. I'm so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open, and everything seems worse when I'm this exhausted. I hope that my readers who are also moms understand where I'm coming from, and that my readers who don't have kids will be patient with me as I work through this phase!

On a lighter note, this is my 100th post! Woohoo! I think I will celebrate...by going to bed. :)

EDIT: Just realized the count I was looking at included some draft posts that were never completed/published. So it's not really my 100th post. Oops. See, I REALLY need sleep.

4 Weeks PP - In Transition

Workouts this week: 4
Most Strenuous Workout: 6 trips up and down the stairs in my house in one evening
Weight: 208 lbs
Total pregnancy weight lost: 15 lbs
Pregnancy weight left to lose: 24 lbs

I feel like I'm in the process of turning a corner! I'm definitely not back at 100% yet, but in little ways I am inching closer to normal. I've done less walking in the past week because it has been too hot to go outside, and I'm just not yet motivated enough to hit the treadmill. However, my general activity level has increased a lot. I'm going up and down stairs with ease now, and can even do so without any pain while carrying the baby. Bending over is still very troublesome, but I guess that is to be expected.

The interesting part of pregnancy and then c-section recovery is seeing all the ways your "core" really supports the rest of your body. You tend not to think of all the ways you use your abdominal muscles until they are all stretched out or incredibly sore. And when your abs can't be depended on to do the work they normally do, your lower back works overtime to compensate, and boy do you feel the aches from that!

It's truly amazing the way the body heals and recovers though. When you think of how much pregnancy changes things, it's wild to see how much actually changes back. I think we tend to focus on what doesn't change back, because things like wider hips and a softer stomach might mess with our body image and damage our self-esteem. But as crazy as our bodies get by the end of pregnancy, they do mostly get back to normal eventually!!

Some women even end up in better physical shape than before because they start taking better care of themselves! I hope to fall into that category once I've made more progress on my fitness journey. Having my kids has made me so much more aware of my body -- how all the different parts work together, how each part has a purpose more important than just looking good, and how much better everything feels when the parts are taken care of and in good working order.

As my recovery continues, I notice how I'm gradually getting stronger, and how the pain is starting to subside. I'm aware that a plethora of small movements and tasks have gone from challenging back to routine. Sometimes I get frustrated because I expect progress to come more quickly, but I also suspect that I'm feeling better now than I did at 4 weeks postpartum the previous three times. Part of this feeling comes from my positive mental state as well -- it's easier to approach recovery with optimism when you are not also juggling grief with the pain and hormonal changes.

In the week to come, I hope to do more and longer walks, either around my neighborhood or on the treadmill. If I have any hope at all of starting to run again in just two weeks, then I need to be getting my legs and lungs ready!!

3 Weeks PP - Recovery: Phase One

Workouts this week: 4
Most Strenuous Workout: 2 trips up and down the stairs in my house
Weight: 208 lbs
Total pregnancy weight lost: 15 lbs
Pregnancy weight left to lose: 24 lbs

Before you question my honesty about the number of workouts this past week, allow me to explain how I'm defining things right now. In this first phase of recovery, I'm focusing on just recovering from the c-section itself, and so a "workout" is any physical exertion that progressively gets me moving around more and readjusting my body to movements that cause some pain. For example, a short walk around my cul-de-sac or around the local Target, or a couple of trips up and down the stairs in my home count as workouts right now. The intensity and duration of these activities will gradually but quickly increase. I believe I should be done with this first phase of recovery by 6 weeks postpartum, so 3 weeks from now.

So far I'm recovering reasonably well. Stairs were quite painful at first, but they are getting easier. Walking is getting easier too. The most painful activity for me right now is bending over. I'm still trying to limit my bending because it doesn't seem to be getting any easier yet and usually leaves me with some pain for hours after. I'm also trying to start weaning myself off of all painkillers, but the pain from too much bending over has made that impossible so far.

I'm not officially trying to lose the pregnancy weight yet, even though I am keeping track of it. I just want to keep an eye on the numbers to prevent any major gains before I can start rigorous exercise again. Soon I will need to put the brakes on my daily (sometimes TWICE daily) dessert habit, or else such gains will be inevitable. It is always hard to readjust to using more self-control with food after the relative freedom of pregnancy. Sleep deprivation makes it even harder...self-control takes energy which a lot of days I just don't have!!! Things will all get easier in time though.

Once I complete the first phase of recovery, I will shift my focus to recovering from the entire pregnancy and childbirth experience, which means getting back into shape!! I'm not sure whether I will continue weekly updates in Phase Two, or go back to my previous format of just writing a few times per week whenever a topic popped into my mind. Stay tuned to find out!

Baby Steps

Today I reached a small recovery milestone that as recently as yesterday still seemed far away. I went for a walk outside! It was a very short walk, just around the cul-de-sac at the end of my street, and my pace was laughably slow. But the important thing is that I got outside and did it, and it didn't kill me. :)

I started out this week stressing about my lack of potent pain meds and worrying about how my recovery might be slowed if I couldn't erase the pain. Then I started to feel a little better, and by Thursday I thought I was ready to practice walking up and down the two staircases in my house. What I didn't factor in was the long (seemingly endless) time we had spent in the pediatrician's office earlier that day, going through appointments for two of the kids with all four of them present. That experience was more physically exhausting than I realized at the time, and it was only yesterday that I figured out I'd overdone it. I was in a lot of pain yesterday, and cancelled what would have been my first attempt at the outdoor walk.

What a difference a day makes! I took it easy yesterday, and got some decent rest last night (the baby actually slept through the night!), so I ended up feeling pretty good today. We had friends visit for a couple of hours, and I was up and around a good bit while they were here with only minimal discomfort. After they left, I felt strong enough to give the first walk a try! I took two of the boys with me, and almost immediately they left me in the dust. I wasn't in pain, per se, but I could definitely feel my limitations, if that makes any sense. I had to walk slowly, and when I finished the loop, I knew I was done and needed to rest. Knowing when to stop was a good thing though, I think, because I still felt pretty good when I finished and the whole experience left me with a positive feeling about starting to get active again!

From now on, I plan to go outside for a walk every day that we don't have some other sort of outing that requires physical exertion. If it's too hot outside, or raining, I might even get back on the old treadmill. I wonder if it has missed me... :) As of right now, I'm once again optimistic about being ready to start running after my 6 week pp appointment. If I can walk nearly every day and gradually increase my speed and distance, I will keep healing and keep feeling better and better!

2 Weeks PP - Making Do, Making Progress

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 207 lbs
Total pregnancy weight lost: 16 lbs
Pregnancy weight left to lose: 23 lbs

After the negative tone of my last post, I'm pleased to report that things are going better than expected! Acting on a tip from a friend, I upped my ibuprofen intake a little and added some acetaminophen as well, and that combination has yielded some good results. My pain is not entirely gone, but it's reduced enough that I'm comfortable being up and around a little bit and don't feel the need to sit or lie down all day.

The wimp in me is still nervous about increasing my activity level. Last time, I used my second round of pain meds as an extra layer of comfort for days when I had to be significantly more active than usual. I also used it to get rid of the more intense pain that would pop up occasionally if I accidentally was *too* active. Now I don't have that little extra something to get me through the most difficult days, so I'm hesitant to become more active.

I guess the best I can do is proceed with caution. I cannot just wait until I think a little extra walking or stair climbing won't hurt. I gradually need to keep doing more, even if there is pain involved. I just have to be ready for the resulting pain to be intense (for me) at times, with no real solution. The positive progress I'll continue to make should be worth any suffering that may happen along the way. So I'm going ahead with my plan to try short walks outside this week, but I'm waiting until Friday to get started. And tomorrow I'm going to start easing into going up and down the tall staircases in my home. I will need to do that regularly soon, so it's time to give it a try.

I'm incredibly grateful that I've been able to find an OTC drug combo that keeps my pain reasonably under control, and I hope to make the most of my good fortune! Perhaps my August 9th running goal isn't so unattainable after all!!

The Problem of Pain

(Apologies to the late great C.S. Lewis for stealing his title -- it fit so perfectly that I just had to use it!)

I feel the need to blog about this because I'm frustrated, mad at myself, disappointed, and a little scared. I'm also hormonal and weepy so I need some extra help coping. Writing is that extra help.

At my 2-week incision check appointment today, I did not get a refill of my pain meds even though I wanted one. My doctor did not seem concerned that I'm still in a lot of pain, and so I chickened out and didn't ask for more meds rather than look like a wimp. I don't know why. I know I am a wimp when it comes to pain. It's part of who I am and I'm not ashamed of it. I believe in using medications to get rid of pain -- there is no point in enduring it if you don't HAVE to!!! But somehow this self-assurance just disappeared when I was in the presence of a doctor.

It went so much easier last time. At two weeks pp I was still in a lot of pain, just like I am now. The doctor (a different one in the same practice) asked me how I was doing and I admitted to the pain. She asked if the meds were working, and I told her they had worked well right up until I ran out. Then she asked if I wanted more and I said yes -- that simple! The second round of drugs really came in handy as I became more active and re-engaged in my life outside of my comfy recliner.

This time, I just don't know how my recovery will go from here. I'm still taking a bunch of ibuprofen, but it doesn't help so much when I try to be up and walking around for a while. I had hoped to start taking short walks outside this week, but right now I don't see that happening. I will probably spend most of the week sitting or lying down, trying to avoid as much pain as possible. Suddenly the goal of running again in a month is starting to look less attainable.

Another negative impact of pain is one of my favorite unhealthy coping mechanisms: EATING! And I'm not talking about just any eating...I'm talking about excessive desserts...especially my old favorite, CAKE! Pain makes me cranky, and cake makes me happy. Ice cream cheers me up too. If I can't take oxycodone, I'll just have lots of sugar instead.

Under other circumstances, I would want to try harder to overcome my tendencies toward emotional eating. But my post partum hormones are still all out of whack, and all I want to do is keep myself from crying. So I'll be indulging in the sugar, and watching my weight creep back up, leaving even more work for me to do when my recovery is finally complete.

On the bright side, maybe this is all a good thing, if a couple more weeks of misery serve as a reminder that I don't want to do this again!! You know, just in case the sweet baby snuggles start to erode my memory and make me think I could someday go for #5....

1 Week PP - Turning Onto a New Road

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 207 lbs
Total pregnancy weight lost: 16 lbs

I feel like a contestant on The Biggest Loser, losing 16 lbs in one week! Of course, half of that was just the baby itself, and most of the rest was various fluids...but still, stepping onto the scale a few times and seeing the numbers drop like crazy was a lot of fun. :)

My first c-section recovery was a nightmare, because I have a pretty low pain tolerance and I was terrified to move because I didn't know exactly how bad the pain could get. The subsequent recoveries have been a lot better. I don't know if I've gotten tougher, or if it's just easier because I know what to expect. This time I was out of bed a little over 12 hours after surgery, and walking to the bathroom and back the next morning. I walked a lap around the maternity floor 2 days after my baby was born. Does that count as a workout? It sure hurt like one!

Since I've been home, I've mostly tried to rest, with short little walks around the house here and there. I don't want to overdo it in the first couple of weeks while the pain is at its worst. I will gradually get moving more and more when it feels reasonably comfortable to do so. I'm almost out of my pain medications and will probably ask for a refill at my 2-week incision check on Monday. I had to do that last time as well. I know some people prefer to get off pain meds as soon as possible, but I am a fan of dulling the pain while I can. Being mobile will help me heal more quickly, and pain inhibits my mobility. I'd rather take the drugs and get back to a normal life than skip the drugs and end up lying around longer because I hurt too much.

So the road to recovery has begun, and I'm moving right along on it. As of now, I still hope and plan to resume running at the 6-weeks-post-partum mark. While I can't really imagine what it will feel like to run again, I do believe that goal is attainable.

Baby, You Were Born to Run!

He has arrived! My running partner (whether he liked it or not) for my first 10K and my third 5K has made his entry into the world outside my body. He was born a week ago today, weighing 8 lbs 6.6 oz at 20.5 inches long. So far he is healthy and seems just about perfect to me. I am in love!!!

One last look at how huge I was during surgery prep:


Finally out of my belly and in my arms! Yay!


His first day at home: We chose a "going home outfit" that reflected what was important in my life when he came into existence, and what we hope will be important to our whole family on into the future!


My c-section recovery is going well so far, but I will write more about that tomorrow. For now I just wanted to introduce you to the latest love of my life. :)

39 Weeks - The Finish Line!!!

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 223 lbs
Total weight gained: 39 lbs

Here we are! This is my last pre-baby blog post! I have survived what should be my final pregnancy, and now my next big physical challenge will be surviving my final c-section and recovery! I am hoping for minimal pain and no complications, so I can get back to feeling "normal" as quickly as possible.

My initial recovery phase will be pretty basic. The goal is to get up and moving as soon as I can, and to keep moving as pain and energy level permit. For the first two weeks that will involve just short walks on flat surfaces. From two weeks to six weeks post partum I can walk much more, while listening to my body to know how far is okay is push myself. The heavy duty exercise will have to wait until after my 6-week post-partum checkup. If all goes well, I will see the doctor on August 8th, and start running again on August 9th!

It might only be interesting to me, but I do plan to continue weekly updates on my activity level and weight at least for those first six weeks. Once I'm back to regular exercise, I will get this blog back to normal too, with more frequent posts about anything and everything fitness-related that crosses my mind. I'm sure I will have lots to say, because I will be setting new goals and adjusting to an even more hectic life with a new schedule. When my last baby was born, I had great difficulty finding the time and energy to exercise for many many months. This time I am much more focused and determined, but that does not guarantee that my results will be any different. I may need your encouragement more than ever!!

Stay tuned for a baby update sometime this week (c-section is scheduled for Tuesday, June 28th, at 9:15am)! Wish me luck! Thanks for bearing with me throughout the past nine months! :)

38 Weeks - Stick a Fork in Me

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 220 lbs
Total weight gained: 36 lbs

Oh my goodness, I am so done. I am ready to get this kid out of me and start to get my body back!! I know from much experience that c-section recovery is no picnic, but the sooner it starts, the sooner it ends, and the sooner I can feel like a human being again.

In the past few weeks, I had started daydreaming about someday running again, but now I'm back to just wishing I could walk without discomfort. The pregnancy waddle gets old after a while, as does the weight of a small person resting right on your bladder.

It's funny to me now that I once thought weighing less and being more fit would make this pregnancy more enjoyable. It was definitely more tolerable for a longer time this go 'round, but I didn't enjoy it any more than I ever have before. I'm just not one of the women who like being pregnant, and my physical fitness level does not make one bit of difference.

So I'm ready to be done, and ready to bid pregnancy farewell and good riddance. I am incredibly thankful to have been blessed enough to carry 4 healthy babies to term and to (knock on wood that this will prove true next week) bring them into the world with minimal complications. They have made all the misery worth it, absolutely.

Now come on, kid....get out ASAP so Mama can feel human again soon!!!

37 Weeks - Trying Not to Move At All

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 220 lbs
Total weight gained: 36 lbs

I have now reached the complete opposite of my goal earlier in the pregnancy. Whereas once upon a time I wanted to be as active as possible, I now want to move as little as humanly possible!! I spent a good chunk of this weekend dealing with cramps, aches, lower back pain, and some mild contractions. The fear that I might be going into labor early was enough to scare me into grounding myself to either the recliner or the bed whenever I don't absolutely HAVE to be up and around for some reason. We still have a ton to do to get our home ready for the baby, so I do not want to risk him coming early if I can possibly help it. I've never gone into labor on my own before, and I don't want this to be the first time!!

I'll admit I'm not thrilled at my current weight, but I didn't care enough about it to keep it from creeping up. Such is life. I have no plans to put a stop to my ice cream habit either, so I'm guessing I'll gain another couple of pounds before all is said and done. At least this time I should not be doing much in the way of emotional/grief eating AFTER the baby is born, so I'll be able to return to healthy eating more easily. I refuse to worry about my weight unless/until the pounds don't start dropping off post partum.

One last thing - I want to give a quick shout-out to my 10-year-old niece, Kateri, who completed her first 5K race yesterday! I'm incredibly proud of her!! I will write more about her soon...I've been wanting to write about how my own family members inspire me ever since my older brother Russell finished his first Boston Marathon back in April! So be on the lookout for that post soon. :)

36 Weeks - Embracing REST More Than Ever

Workouts this week: 0
Total walk mileage/time: 0
Weight: 218 lbs
Total weight gained: 34 lbs

I am finally learning how to listen to my body when it whispers, rather than waiting until it screams. Carefully timed periods of rest can be a potent pre-emptive strike against dehydration, discomfort, and exhaustion. Who knew?

It helps that my life has slowed down through circumstances beyond my control. My son finished kindergarten last week, and the t-ball season ended as well, thus reducing my number of evening and weekend activities by A LOT. Being on the go so much less allows me to take short breaks whenever I need them, so that in between those breaks I can actually get some necessary tasks done! And boy do I have a lot of "necessary tasks"; I'm working from a lengthy list of things to be done before the baby arrives, and also planning my middle son's 4th birthday, which happens to be 3 days before my c-section is scheduled. So I'm still very busy, but scheduled time is much rougher than time I can schedule myself!

Embracing my need for rest should have been sort of obvious for me, considering I've been through pregnancy three times before! I'm almost embarrassed that it took me this long to give in to the whispers. On the bright side, I think I can blame it on something good, which is that my new active lifestyle has seemed to alter my brain to believe that I can and should have tons of energy and be able to go go GO from morning until late at night. Even though I have joked a lot about being lazy the past few months, I don't think my brain has really slipped back into that mentality. I know I still have a rough road ahead of me (post-partum sleep deprivation, anyone???), but I look forward to eventually getting all my energy back so I can be active again!

For now, though...I think I might slip out of work a little early today so I can go home and put my feet up before chowing a bunch of tacos for dinner. ;-)